And the Devastation That Follows

Many if not most of us who have lived in a long term relationship with someone with a personality disorder (PDs) have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or C-PTSD. I remember when PTSD was first making headlines and how so many people tried to dismiss it as not a real thing. That is essentially where C-PTSD is right now. Our society has been slow to recognize emotional abuse, what it is and its effects. (See abuse defined.) C-PTSD has not been acknowledged by many professionals yet, but is very real. It is a result of being subjected to years worth of emotional or physical abuse. The VA department recognizes that the PTSD diagnosis does not fully capture the specifics of C-PTSD and therefore makes the distinction. The severity depends on our individual selves, experiences, personalities, and the severity and type of abuse. But if you live with a PDed partner long enough, it is probably inevitable.

There are many of us in relationships with PDs who live in constant fear of an emotional or physical outburst. Sometimes there are spoken or unspoken threats. Sometimes we catch glimpses of what happens to those who have crossed the line with our PDed partners, and we fear that when we step into that outer darkness they will take our lives, either physically or metaphorically speaking. We know that they may stop at nothing to destroy us. If not our physical lives, at least our relationships with our children, our families, our reputations, our finances, our jobs, our homes. You name it. They feel all is justified in their war games if you cross them.

The funny thing about our minds is that they don’t often understand the difference between a physical threat and an emotional one. Our minds and bodies have the same response to an emotional attack as a physical one. The adrenaline and the cortisol hormones among others (the fight or flight mechanisms) are all activated. Our higher brain shuts down and puts us in a fog state to try to protect us from what is happening. We don’t often process the gravity of the situation until it is over. By then, our PDed partner has switched to “FOG” mode in order to deal with their behavior or to keep us from abandoning them. Depending on the flavor of PD, this can manifest itself in typically one or a combination of specific but predictable behavior patterns. No matter which it is, it creates a fog. Fog can stand for “Fear, Obligation and Guilt” but also feels exactly like a fog because it clouds our judgement, higher thinking and our memories.

Fog tactic #1: The love bomb.

What they do: This usually comes into play if a PD knows they have really crossed the line and they fear they will lose you, or you have said you would leave. Or you left! They will suddenly have a moment of clarity and vow to get help, and apologize for everything they have done. They become “their good side”, or Dr Jekyll. This is not usually an intentional manipulation. They aren’t planning on faking you out so they can abuse you later. They mean it. The reality of you leaving triggers their fear of abandonment. Regardless of how they feel about you most of the time (whether they think the really love you or not) they will feel real pain and cry real tears because they can’t handle being left. (While they can leave you on a whim if they think they have a better replacement opportunity… but you are still supposed to spend your life pining away for them… but this is another topic.) When they feel the real pain of you leaving, they interpret this as the realization that you must be their one true love and they were just (temporarily crazy, blind, insert excuse here.)  They convince themselves they can behave and they love bomb you. This creates fog. Of course they are telling you everything you have been longing to hear, and your values are to be empathetic, forgiving, and to want more than anything for your family (or relationship) to be whole. You see their pain and you think maybe this time the pain will be enough to get them to change. But it’s more than that. The love bomb physically triggers your love hormones (primarily oxytocin) and you enter honeymoon phase. This love hormone causes it’s own kind of fog and you are not able to process reality clearly. Oxytocin clouds your judgement. It actually causes you to trust when you shouldn’t, Who would have thought that there is a trust hormone? If all the past evidence says they have mostly behaved badly in the past, but short term good behavior appears and you go against your better judgement and you trust them and “don’t know why” it’s probably because you got a good shot of hormones and you are listening to your chemicals (and other maladapted caretaker emotional issues) and not your experience. Remember, insanity  is to repeat the same behavior and expect a different result. This lovely love hormone will also ramp up your empathy, your generosity and your submission/cooperation. This is the perfect chemical recipe for setting up the repetition of the abuse cycle. You get foggy about the abuse. You are more likely to compartmentalize and forget, at least on a conscious level. (See Compartmentalization.) But in the back of your head you still made associations and sustained the blows that will scar. You have to deal with that at some point because it will leak out…

Fog tactic #2: Playing the victim.

What they do: They switch to victim role so easily and so convincingly that we actually believe them. Even though they are the ones who just abused us, they seem do obviously hurt that we follow their lead into that rabbit hole and can actually start thinking we are the abusers they paint us to be. Men are even more vulnerable to this. Unfortunately our society has not figured out that women can be as destructive as men when it comes to abuse. Men are trained to think that if the woman is unhappy, it’s his fault and he deserves it. But no matter our sex, we as caretakers tend to self blame and internalize anyway, and we tend to undervalue ourselves and overvalue others. This is the reason we make such perfect magnets for our mirror images of the PDs. We are the same yet opposite. Yet again, they aren’t faking their pain. They really believe their twisted version of reality. They really do see themselves as our victims. It’s a coping mechanism they developed years ago and core to their disorder. They hurt. We are empaths feel it. Not only we want to heal them, but we also want to convince ourselves and them that we really are the heroes we want to be, and so we are forced out of hurt mode and into rescuer mode. Even if they do own something they did (usually because they are too backed in a corner and our case is unshakable and they have no alternative) if they might kind of own it or apologize in a way, but they immediately switch to something like, “you only see what I do wrong…” and play victim that way. We are forced into defending ourselves again and we start listing their good qualities. This is a predictable manipulation. They don’t really do it on a conscious level. Most of the “whys” of what a PD does is largely subconcious. They don’t know why they are doing what they are doing. But it’s something they learned somewhere in their early life, and it was rewarded, so it got repeated until it became part of their personality. (Don’t drop the “personality” part of personality disorder! It is who they are. See “Are They Sick?”) See what just happened though? The conversation turns away from whatever bad thing they did, and becomes us praising them instead. Talk about cognitive dissonance! The fog rolls in. Again, you are forced to compartmentalize what happened. You pack it away in a box and shove it with all of those other bulging, leaky boxes in your mental attic. They aren’t gone and the contents will one day leak… but until then…

Fog tactic #3: Pretend it never happened

What they do: You just had a big huge blow up and you are feeling frazzled and angry, and you have finally had it and are ready to let them have it and get the hell out of hell. Or maybe you just dealt with 3 weeks of violent silence and feel nuts but just want to end it and make up… or just end it in some way. And in they walk, cool as can be as if nothing ever happened. It really throws you for a loop. It makes you feel even more crazy because you can’t see how anyone who just fought through the same deadly blowout with carnage and blood spilled (metaphorically speaking of course) can not be as frazzled and angry and crazy feeling as you. You are thinking “WTH? Did I just imagine what just happened??” If you do bring it up, you are likely met with some version of gaslighting like, “That’s not what I said/ That’s not what I meant/ That’s not what happened.” And then “You are overreacting/ being a drama queen/ crazy/ out of control/judging me wrong.” Then maybe “It’s in the past.” (Even if it was 5 min ago. BTW– the rule doesn’t go the other way. If you did something wrong 5 years ago they can use it in every argument until the end of time.) This is another manipulation tactic. Again, they don’t always know they are doing it, but it has worked for them so well before they reflexively use it without a thought. Really, they have already compartmentalized their behavior because they can’t see or deal with their own shame, and since you are an extension of them in their minds, you are supposed to have done the same. They can’t see why you aren’t over it because they are. They feel justified in their actions and so you should also feel they were right or at least not wrong or so bad for them treating you the way they did.  It is very confusing and since we are so easily swayed to ignoring our own feelings and overvaluing the opinions and feelings of others, we doubt ourselves and our reality. You question whether anything did happen, or at least if it wasn’t as bad as you thought. Again, role in the cognitive dissonance. Roll in the fog. Pack up more mental boxes, forget, move on. Compartmentalize it until you can’t anymore…

The final effect: The problem is our subconscious minds are leaky. It’s like storing water in cardboard boxes. It won’t hold for long. We have now been conditioned and primed for abuse. But no matter how strong we think we are, eventually things will leak out. Like the proverbial leaky dam, we can plug the first leak with a finger. But another pops out, and another. We try to push back all the water, but no one can hold back water. Pretty soon we are a sopping wet drenched mess, and we don’t even know what happened our how we got here.

What happened to that easy going, easy to please, happy person we were? What happened to the strong hero we thought we were? Do you feel jumpy at a sudden sound? Does a phone ring send anxiety through your soul? Are you afraid to NOT answer your phone? Cold sweat when you realize your phone was off.. or you have to explain why you need to go to a birthday party or stay after work? Does a single reminder or thought send you back in time to an incident, and you feel sudden fear as if an attack is still in progress? Is your personality changing? Are you feeling like a ghost? Did you change your belief system, either in religion, or in people, or the world in general? Do you “go away” sometimes in your head? Can’t concentrate? Feel like a deer in headlights? Feel isolated? Trouble with boundaries? You don’t know where to draw them because you don’t know what is safe… you either want to get too close to others or are afraid and stay too far? Nightmares? Getting physically sick?

Congratulations you may have just won a case of C-PTSD! All kidding aside… it’s serious stuff. Remember your subconscious mind doesn’t know the difference between an emotional threat and a physical one. If you have been living with a PDed partner, chances are your mind will start acting like you have been living in a war zone. Because you have. You never know when the next threat will jump out and threaten to “kill” you. All those issues now recognized in war zone vets… are showing up in you. Don’t get me wrong, I am in no way minimizing what our soldiers go through. I imagine that actually experiencing a trauma of a limb amputation or seeing others die in front of you is a next level trauma that… well I can not imagine. However, I also don’t want us to minimize our own mental hell that we walk and it’s chronic effects on our minds and hearts. And an important point here though is that the damage we sustain is largely from the perceived threat, whether the physical harm actually follows or not. They never have to physically lay on hand on us to cause the destruction. The chronic feelings of fear and the stress hormones cannot be sustained at critical levels for long periods. We simply aren’t designed for that. We wear out. We break. And unfortunately sometimes we break before we even really realized how much torture we were even being put through.

Little drips… Chinese water torture… Death by a thousand paper cuts… the cumulative effect of the thought on an almost daily basis, “I can die from this. I might be killed…” Well it isn’t so different than fighting a war in which you are never killed but live in a constant fear that each battle might be your last. Again… even if you don’t think your PDed spouse will literally kill you, don’t be surprised if you start “leaking” because your subconscious interprets your emotional war as the real thing. You probably wouldn’t be human if your war wounds didn’t start making their way to the surface.

The good news is that C-PTSD is treatable for those who really want to get better. It’s so much more treatable than a PD! I am not saying it’s easy. Very little that is easy is worth it. But if you are a truth seeker and are willing to turn your focus inside, you can  heal. BPD is a PTSD disorder. They all claim to have PTSD it seems. Maybe so. (There is some evidence that suggests sometimes some of their stories are not all as they remember them. But that’s another blog for another day.) They will keep their PTSD. They need to stay victims. The trouble is they also cause it in others. You would think that if they felt it the last thing they would want to do is spread it. But as BPDs do, they must spread their hell in a futile attempt to get rid of it. It never works long term. They get a temporary rush of adrenaline and a slight improvement in a temporary state as the wreak destruction on those around them by lashing out. Long term it destroys everyone, themselves included. BPD is all about the temporary self gratification of lashing out no matter the long term consequence. But you don’t have to let them win. The best revenge really is going on to be happy, no matter what they did or do to you.

For more on C-PTSD as it relates to partners of PDs, see “Out of the Fog“

Peace and love…

Abbreviations and Definitions

PD: Personality Disorder. PDs are in a separate category than clinical diagnoses, which is what most people think of as mental illnesses. The tool used to diagnose mental states, the DSM, personality disorders are in Axis 2. PDs are not “familially” related to other mental illnesses such as schizophrenia or depression.They are called Personality Disorders because they are so deeply ingrained in a person that they are part of the person’s personality. If it were not part of their unique identity (or personality), it would not be termed a personality disorder. It would simply be a disorder. The “personality” part is key in understanding them. It is a disorder because it is not healthy. Their personalities are not healthy.  Read more here.

Cluster B Disorders: I write mostly about my experience with people from the Cluster B Category of Personality Disorders. This cluster tends to have co-occurring disorders. This means that if a person has one, there is a good possibility that they have two or more from the same category, or at least a predominance of one with several traits of another. These disorders are Borderline (BPD), Narcissistic (NPD), Histrionic (HPD), Antisocial (ASPD). Sometimes it is hard for therapists to draw the line where one starts and the other begins with their client. Sometimes they just might say it is a cluster B disorder. Insurance companies often demand a diagnosis, so the therapist might code it as one disorder when others are also present.

These people by diagnosis definition have problems with impulse control and emotional regulation. As such, they tend to be abusive people when in relationships. (See “Abuse: Do You Really Know What it is?“)

Experts often tiptoe around this subject, but chances are if someone is highly agitated and has poor impulse control and cannot regulate their emotions, there is a good probability they will lash out at those around them, which by most definitions translates to abuse. (At least emotional, and emotional counts! The the scars in fact can even be deeper.) People with cluster B disorders might range in severity from a passive aggressive pouter to a partner killer. None who use emotional warfare are safe, because no one can be safe in an emotionally abusive relationship. The idea that has a personality disorder can in fact be a distractor, especially to the mind of a “healing” personality type who is in love with someone with a PD. We tend to hear “disorder” and think we can heal the person. We almost mentally drop the word “personality.” It can be used to even excuse their behavior, in both the mind of the disordered, and the mind of their target. People forget… it doesn’t matter that you can say their personality is unhealthy. The fact is there is no excuse for abuse. (Any kind!)

BPD: Borderline Personality Disorder. There is nothing “Borderline” about it! Borderline is a misnomer because when it was discovered, the psychiatric thinking was that it was on the border of psychosis and neurosis, since it had elements of both. In reality, BPDs are extreme people. They have a very black and white/ everything or nothing world. They can flip between extreme levels of emotions so fast, that it can be easily mistaken for Bipolar Disorder or Dissociative Identity Disorder. (AKA Multiple Personality Disorder.) A BPD has a poor sense of self, often taking on traits of the person they are with like an personality chameleon.

I think of BPDs as emotional porcupines. If they perceive a threat, even if the threat is completely imagined in their heads, the quills come out and the person nearest them gets injured. They are obsessive about a fear of abandonment, even if they don’t even like the person they are imagining is abandoning them. Anything can be abandonment, including a simple question like “Did you make anything for dinner?”

BPDs tend to have “stormy” relationships. Again, in my opinion, experts tiptoe around the meaning of “stormy.” They are reluctant to call it abuse. However, I cannot think of one scenario that I would call “stormy” that isn’t describing at least one tactic of emotional abuse. Also, according to the DSM, BPDs often engage in devaluation, which is an abusive behavior. Devaluation is useful for them so that they can convince themselves (and you) that you are worth less than you are. That way it won’t hurt as much when you leave. This kind of emotional abuse is devastating to the target, and the target often finds they are forever trying to prove themselves.

In case you think that you can make them feel safe, and then they will stop devaluing you; you can’t. This is something that has been broken within themselves for a very long time, and you probably are not the first (or last) to try to fix it. You cannot even give them enough incentive to change themselves (by leaving or ultimatums.) If there is a key for them fixing themselves, only they and the right therapy can find it (if they are very, very self motivated and work very, very hard.) Losing their entire world is usually not enough. Why? Because in most cases, their inner demons are scarier to them then losing everything and everyone in their lives. It is that big of a deal. If not, they would have fixed themselves a long time ago. They developed their disorder because the coping mechanisms served them well: Better than facing their reality.

**I can concede there is a possibility that there could be a 100% “inwardly focused” BPD who does not abuse others, but only abuses themselves. However, after having multiple encounters with many PDs and their targets, I have yet to hear of one. Generally, because of the way BPDs enmesh themselves in relationships with partners, they often don’t see between themselves and their partners, and the abuse overflows.

Most BPDs are never diagnosed. Of those that are, most never get proper treatment. Of those that do, most drop out. Of those who work really really hard to change their personality, most only change a few behaviors. Of those that do, many regress to old ways, because the hard-wiring makes it easier. Most don’t truly form a healthy personality. Depressing odds right? A very large percentage of people with BPD also have NPD. The higher the NPD tendencies, the less likely they are to get better. There are very many programs that tout great recovery rates for BPDs. Always, always read the fine print. In most cases (all that I have read about) the standard measure of “better” is usually a decreased rate of self harm and suicidal behaviors. While that is great for them, and I wish them all the success in the world, not all of these are always present in BPDs anyway. I have yet to read any studies about BPDs who were once abusive to their partners who did the work and became a good, healthy partner.

NPD: Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Do you think you know what a narcissist is? Don’t be so sure. The NPD generally does not obsess about how beautiful they are etc. They might be full of themselves (at least on the surface), but they might not be. In fact deep down, they may feel really terrible about who they are.

NPDs have no empathy for others. The exclusion of empathy means they are not capable of true love. The key in NPD is that they cannot accept fault. This is the guardian that protects their own delicate psyches from themselves and others. Unfortunately, it also keeps them from improving. Everything is always someone else’s fault. A very large percentage of BPDs also have NPD. This is what keeps them from getting and completing treatment. After all, if they can’t admit they have a problem, there is no way they can fix it.

NPDs have a endless double standard. They will excuse their own faults, but yours disgust them. (Even if they are the same ones!) Everything is your fault. NPDs are entitled. They are allowed to treat you any way they feel fit, because you are their personal emotional punching bag and they are entitled to punish you. They are often chronic spenders because they feel their money is for their hearts desires, while the world (or you) should just provide for their needs because they breathe. (Spending money on an I-Phone or vacation and expect someone else to pay their rent.) They are often pathological liars. Usually they are cheaters. They are abusive, either physically, emotionally, or financially. Or all of the above! NPD defies any sort of therapy. NPDs don’t believe they have any problems that are their fault. Everything is everyone else’s fault. They have no desire to change who they are. If they find themselves in therapy it is usually because they were compelled to go, or they intend to use therapy to convince you how sick you are, so they can further manipulate you.

ASPD: Antisocial Personality Disorder. (Aka Sociopath) An ASPD seems to never have developed a of conscience. They can do whatever they want to whomever they want because they want. If they don’t do something they want to do, it is because they don’t want to deal with the punishment, not because they want to do the right thing. They have no ability to truly love or connect with anyone. No one knows for sure how this happens. Sometimes they had extremely abusive parents. Sometimes they came from normal families with mommies and daddies who loved them. Despite the media image, not all ASPDs are killers. (Though some are!) Some just have no affinity for blood. Sometimes it’s just mental games that are their passion. There is no real effective treatment for ASPD– at least once in adulthood. They see nothing wrong with their way of being in the world. They think we are the broken ones. They think we are silly for limiting ourselves in “weak” ways with things like love and compassion. Some need people but not for love and in the ways we initially believe. They need them to use them and are only in pain when they can no longer use you. They will abuse you because they need to use you. All people are meant to be used, they believe. They don’t believe anyone is innocent. They can and do fake love, but it is either meant to manipulate you, or to fake it because they desire to keep up appearances in order to keep themselves from being discovered. As of yet, no proven effective therapeutic way to get these people to learn empathy for anyone has been developed.

HPD: Histrionic Personality Disorder. This is the drama queen. (Male or female!) They love to be the center of attention, and their emotions are all over the place… but always extreme. They make the slightest thing into a tsunami. This personality disorder doesn’t have an inherent abuse component that I can think of, other than that it often accompanies BPD. I won’t address this much because I don’t have much experience with someone who is strictly HPD. The bulk of my experience with this as a 1-2 punch with BPDs.

u: (Used before the appropriate PD, like uBPD) undiagnosed. Most PDs go undiagnosed. While you shouldn’t really diagnose someone (therapists hate it when we do that), sometimes we are the only ones close enough to our PDed partners to see how they really are. Most PDs will lie in therapy, and hide who they are. They aren’t dummies. They know to not let all their crazy out in front of “the wrong person.” There are mutitudes of other reasons why a PD is missed that I won’t go into for now, but most of us couldn’t drag our partners in to a therapist if we clubbed them over the head anyway. If they do go to therapy it will be monopolized and used to blow up our own faults and use the therapist as an additional weapon of control against us. With these types of PDs, sometimes the only one who can see it is the one who is taking all the hits. Us! I say, if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck and quacks like a duck, you don’t have to drag it to an ornithologist to be told it’s a duck. If they meet enough of the criteria that you can recognize a pattern, then buyer beware. Don’t subject yourself to any more abuse either way!

The only time I have ever seen anyone be wrong when they are wondering if their spouse has a PD, is when they themselves is a PD. Especially those with BPD tend to project their doing and thoughts etc onto their partners, so they often think they see their partner doing exactly what they and only they do! Are you thinking, “OMG– could I be the one with BPD?” Well if you had that thought, you probably aren’t. BPDs rarely look at themselves because the NPD guard doesn’t allow it. However, people in relationships with PDs often do question themselves. This also can be exploited in you by the PDs. This is a trait PDs have on their top 10 wish lists for a partner. That way they can dish out the guilt and the crazy, and twist it so that even you think it could have been you. You might take this abuse (called gas lighting) for years! However, these traits are a good thing because it keeps you growing spiritually and emotionally, and helps you be fair in relationships. You have the ability to reach self actualization.

h, w, bf, or gf: husband,  wife, boyfriend or girlfriend respectively. Usually after the appropriate PD. (Such as uBPDh= undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder.)

 

C-PTSD: Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Read more here. This is a specific kind of PTSD that develops in targets of abuse. The VA department states that “the current PTSD diagnosis often does not fully capture the severe psychological harm that occurs with prolonged, repeated trauma. People who experience chronic trauma often report additional symptoms alongside formal PTSD symptoms, such as changes in their self-concept and the way they adapt to stressful events.” It is important to note that in even most cases, the abuse that caused this type of PTSD was not usually physical. As far as our subconscious minds are concerned, there is no difference to physical trauma or emotional trauma. Your mind and the physical reaction inside your body on a chemical level are the same. Even if the abuse is covert, or passive aggressive, the cumulative effect is mentally virtually identical and results in the damage of C-PTSD.

 

Are They Sick?

When you first found out about NPD or BPD, you probably felt like a light was suddenly turned on out of the pitch black confusion. Suddenly everything made sense! The crazy behaviors, the mean comments, all the abuse. You probably went back to the codependent thinking process and kicked into fix it/heal it gear. You told yourself, “He/she isn’t bad. He/she is sick!” And where there is sickness there can be healing. Right? Well no not really.

Maybe you are at the end of your rope, and you think you are really ready to move on, but you have trouble reconciling your conscience or religious beliefs. If they are sick; didn’t you promise “in sickness and in health?” Can you feel OK leaving someone you believe to be mentally ill? After all, you wouldn’t leave your partner if he/she had cancer. Let me ease your guilt.  Really, they are not just “sick.” Let me explain:

First, you need to understand the difference between personality disorders and other types of mental illnesses. There is a world of difference and the distinction needs to be made. Mental health professionals diagnose illnesses based on a system called the DSM. It categorizes “families” of the different states of mental function and defines all diagnoses.

When you think of mental illness, you probably typically think of the illnesses that are in the axis 1 diagnosis category. This axis contains things like depression, schizophrenia, and social phobias. (Most therapists also see that category as the typical mental illness as well.) The right treatment can often be quite effective with these illnesses, and many of the people afflicted with them can go on to live fairly or completely normal, healthy lives. It might be a lot of work to overcome these battles, and it may be a struggle for life to keep the illness in check, but it can often be done. The disease is not a part of who the person is. It can engulf and strangle the person inside at times, until proper treatment is in place. It is an illness in every sense of the word. This is mental illness.

You might even think of Axis 4 when you think about what a mental illness could be defined as. Axis 4 contains mental health issues that aren’t really mental illnesses either, but might benefit from treatment. Examples would be situational depression, say from grieving a death or divorce. These are usually temporary states stemming from life circumstances. More appropriately termed, these are not mental illnesses, but states of mental function. These have excellent rates of recovery. Many people overcome these issues on their own, Others require professional help. But most who put in the work can reap the rewards of a healthy, happy life. The state of mental function is transient and not core to who the person is. It can be removed, and the person can again be their “normal” selves.

Axis 2 contains the personality disorders as well as autism and mental retardation. Most people wouldn’t say a person with autism is mentally ill. Yet it is in the same category as PDs. Why? Because it is so ingrained into the hard wiring of the brain, and has been a part of who they are since at least late childhood.  The definition of a personality disorder in the DSM  is “an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectation of the individual’s culture, is pervasive and inflexible, has an onset in adolescence or early adulthood, is stable over time, and leads to distress or impairment.” It affects the entire personality. It is deep to the core of the identity of the person. This is how they see and interact with their world. In other words, the personality disorder is not some illness the person has, it is who they are!

The true “recovery” rates are dismally infinitesimal for BPDs. Most BPDs never get diagnosed. One reason is that a very large percentage also have NPD, which defies admitting anything is even wrong with them to begin with. We all know, if you can’t own a behavior, you can’t fix it.

Of those who do get diagnosed, most won’t get help. Of those who get help, most won’t get the proper treatment, because so many are so good at manipulating their therapists, and a sad small number of therapists are even properly educated on BPD. Of those who get the proper help, most don’t seriously stay in treatment and put forth their best effort (no matter how rock bottom they hit, or who they lose). The drop out rates for the BPD treatment programs are incredibly high. Of those who stay in treatment, most only improve a few behaviors. Of those that improve, they have a life long temptation to slip back into old ways (just like alcoholics), because that is what is easier for them. It’s already in the hard wiring.

The programs that claim great odds usually base their measure of success on things like instances of self harm or suicide attempts. None make claims on improving partner abuse, because as of yet (likely due to fear of litigation), few in power will officially admit that BPDs are abusive. (Emotional abuse counts as much or more than physical! See abuse defined.) The odds of abusers getting better are very, very low and BPDs are one type of abuser. No matter what, BPD is not an excuse to abuse.

Even the word “recovery” is even misleading. It implies the person can return to their normal, healthy self. People with PDs never had a healthy personality to begin with, and as we just discovered, it isn’t really an illness anyway. It is who they are.

According to Susan Krauss Whitbourne Ph.D in Psychology Today:

Unlike other challenges to mental health, the personality disorders do not represent a particular pattern of “illness” that can be “cured.” Individuals with these disorders develop symptoms that reflect the evolution of personality traits over the course of their lives. Their traits, which are a part of their overall psychological make-up, are the same as people who are mentally healthy.  However, their personality traits take on a particularly maladaptive form.

So to re-frame your reference; BPD/NPD or any other personality disorder are not mental illnesses in the true sense of the word. (At least not as most people would define it.) The personality disorder is so deeply rooted to the core of who they truly are that no wonder it defies change. The person would have to rip themselves to the core and rebuild their personality. How many people even have the strength and desire to do that? If they have one lazy fiber in their entire being, they probably cannot manage such a daunting task.

You wouldn’t leave a cancer patient or someone with diabetes, because they are a separate and distinct person from their disease. They ARE NOT their disease. I pretty much bet that even if a cure was discovered, even if it was long and hard and grueling, most of them would go through it to be healed. Schizophrenia is a disease. You probably would not leave someone with that disease because they are actually being smothered by their disease, and it suppresses who they truly are. But they are still good inside. If there was an instant cure, they would just be restored to their own real selves. An illness implies some other thing has taken root in an otherwise separate and distinct individual who may be suppressed or even suffocated by the disease, but who is not actually part of the disease.

But BPD is not like that. It is a part of who they are— not a chemical or biological disease. It is not a disease covering up who they really are. It IS who they are. The person they pretended to be in the beginning… THAT was usually the act. That was a manipulation. The illness is not separable from who they are as an individual. They ARE THEIR DISEASE.

So here is the question that brings: How accountable are they? From what I personally have decided I have two thoughts. One, they are 100% accountable, because every person is 100% accountable for their actions are no matter how bad they feel. Look at any other situation. Ted Bundy was a despicable murderer. He was abused terribly as a child. Does that make his actions any less evil? Should he have received a lesser sentence because of how bad he felt inside? What about a child molester who molests little children? Should they receive a lesser sentence because they feel such a strong need to molest, and they feel so bad inside? Then the other factor. It really doesn’t matter how at fault they are or not. It doesn’t matter whether a PD is the root cause of their abuse or not. The effect on the people around them is the same, and it’s devastation, Abuse is abuse and there is no excuse for abuse. It’s like this… your house is burning down around you. It doesn’t really matter whether it was started by accident or if it was arsen. The fact is you are going to die if you don’t get out.

Also consider the light switch theory. I heard a psychiatrist say this: (And I paraphrase)

Schizophrenics have episodes no matter who is around and what is going on, or what the context is. They can control their behavior little, if at all. If they are in a delusional episode and they are seeing faces on the walls, and hearing voices, and they believe they are real, they are going to freak out no matter who is present. They will likely freak out whether they are at a job interview, or with their wife, or psychiatrist.

Other mental illness do not have a shut off switch. People who suffer from other mental illnesses can control little if any of their behavior . (Except through proper meds and the right treatment-  but this is not an instant switch!) Personality Disorders, on the hand, have an amazing ability to flip the off switch of their behaviors whenever it is convenient. They can shut it down and act completely normal in a job interview. Or around co-workers, or bosses if they desire. (At least for the most part.) They likely switched off the bad behavior to get you hooked in the beginning of your relationship (and in hoovering episodes.) On the first date with you, it is unlikely they threw a tantrum and yelled at you telling you you are fat and lazy. (Or whatever they say to you now.) In fact they probably “behaved” for either weeks, or months, or even years, depending on their personal level of control. Of course, looking back now you probably recognize some warning signs you didn’t see before because you didn’t know what they meant. But for the most part, they behaved pretty normally. They switched it off. Even now, if they were throwing a fit and smashing things and yelling, if their boss or the cops came to the door, they likely would drop anger like a switch and turn into Mr or Mrs Charming. And as soon as the person leaves, they unleash it again. No other mental illness can do this in this same degree.

So what this means is… they know they are wrong, at least at the time during the behavior. They know if their boss saw this behavior it would be unacceptable and they would be fired. That’s why they hide it from everyone else. They know what they are doing and they choose it on purpose. Cancer patients don’t choose it. You don’t leave cancer patients because they don’t choose to act sick. They are sick, and there is no choice in the matter at all. You do leave PDs because they choose to have sick behaviors. It might be hard for them to control themselves, but they have shown you they could refrain from abusing you if they really wanted to. They just get a higher payoff by hurting you. It’s about the CHOICE they make: not the “disease” itself.

So why do they act like they can’t help themselves? Why are they so resistant to change? Why do they destroy their lives? Because the payoff; to them, is worth it- at least at the moment. Their single biggest need is to be a victim. Bigger than feeling good, bigger than their love for you, bigger that their love for their own kids. That needs trumps all. They cannot help it because that is the need that they will satiate first. NO MATTER WHAT. They are choosing that over you, over their marriage, over their kids, over God. They FEEL SO MUCH BETTER while they are flipping out. Their adrenaline is pumping, their heart is racing, and they feel alive. Much better than the deadness and emptiness they feel most of the time. It feels SO GOOD to be blaming you and hurting you. They know it is wrong and they can’t stop because at that very moment… they don’t care about anything else. They may seem miserable. They are not. They are getting a major payoff by doing what they are doing at that very moment. Then when they go cry to their friend about how mean you are because of what you said or did (which is probably made up or taken out of context or greatly exaggerated anyway) they get the greatest payoff again… that the need to be the victim is being filled. Like a drug addict, they may feel bad about this later. They know this behavior is wrong, so they come up with a complicated system of explaining and justifying why they have the right to be that way; to themselves and anyone else who will listen. They can’t hold the guilt for very long because it is too painful, so moments of repentance are usually short lived. They are soon repressed and guarded by the NPD gate keeper so that they can get up again and go on another day without changing anything. But really… they know they are wrong because they can and do shut it off when they really want to.

So here is what it comes down to… Their biggest love is their BPD and the payoffs they get from that. They will never change because there is no payoff that compares to what they get from keeping it. They may think they love you and want to keep you, but in the end, if there was a clear choice they will never choose you, because you can never compete. When you leave a BPD you are not breaking your wedding vows. They already broke them by not forsaking all others and cleaving unto you. Not to mention the vows to honor and cherish etc. And it’s not like they choose the mistress of BPD once, repent, and come back to you begging forgiveness. They may beg your forgiveness to placate you while they are in a hoovering episode, but really they won’t ever give her up. She is there to stay forever. In fact, she gets the master bedroom and you get the guest room or backyard. He/she might let you sleep in the master on a few occasions to keep stringing you along, but you always get kicked back to your place eventually because plain and simple he/she loves her more than you. And round and round the cycle goes. Forever. He/she goes back to her every time, and if you are lucky you might get her leftovers.

They are not “just sick.”

They are the disorder as much or more than there “good sides” they once showed us. The sad truth is the “good sides” were usually more of an act than real anyway. That is a subject for another blog, another day. But the bad stuff… that’s not all stuff they do that they can stop. It’s not just bad behavior. It IS them. It is the core of who they are.