Abuse: Do You Really Know What it is?

This is a word that is so often thrown around that we become numb to it and what it means. This is a word that sometimes, if you stop and think about it, you don’t even know how to define it. We pretty much all agree that physical abuse if abuse. That is easy. We know that punching, kicking, shoving etc meets the criteria and most of us say if that ever happened to us, we would leave immediately. Many of us sometimes wish it would cross that line at some point because we could finally see it, name it, and get the strength and support from others (and ourselves!) to be justified in leaving. But abuse doesn’t stop there. It is so much more than that.

Abuse is a PATTERN of attempts to control, manipulate, subjugate, punish, hurt, isolate demean or devalue another human being. It may involve intimidation, at least on an emotional level. Abuse is NOT having a bad day and doing something  dumb or even mean once in a while, so don’t feel guilty if you have made your share of mistakes. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t. A pattern is about consistency and proves itself over time. The abuse can take different forms. It can be as obvious as hitting, or as covert as passive aggressive comments or the “violent silence” of punishing you with angry withdrawal or profound neglect.

Control is abuse. Abuse is about control. There is no way to separate the two. There is simply no way to exert control over another human being without at least some emotional manipulation, which is abuse. It also assumes the abuser is somehow in a position over the target, which devalues the target just by the concept.  Even if the punishment for you “misbehaving” (crossing them by talking to a friend that they don’t like for example) is sulking/ pouting or silent treatment, it is about control because it is meant to modify your behavior with punishment. This is abuse.

There is one easy test question to see if what you are experiencing is abuse: If you find that you are modifying your own behavior that would be normal in any other relationship out of fear of retaliation either physical or emotional (because that is the pattern your partner has established in the past), you are being abused.

Devaluation of any other human being is abuse. Since devaluation of their loved ones is a standard trait to BPD, BPDs are by this definition abusive people. The experts are reluctant to use the word “abuse” because they might get sued by the BPDs. They often try to treat the issues as two different issues, but they are not. If you are with a BPD partner that is not 100% “inwardly focused” with their behaviors (which is pretty rare if not impossible) then you are being abused. Not all abusers have BPD, but if someone fits the criteria for BPD by devaluing you (or worse) then they are abusers.

Emotional abuse is very real. We need to call it what it is. Abuse. You need the power and validation to call it what it is in order to deal with it. Because it is invisible, elusive and sometimes covert, we have trouble identifying it and therefore live with it way too long as it rips us apart from the inside. The net effect on the mind and heart… the same or worse than being physically beaten on a regular basis.

We each usually live for years in denial in our abusive relationships because they don’t look like what we thought and abusive relationship would look like. We want so much to believe in our partners and our ability to heal them, or because it is so hard to find our we have given someone so much of our identities and put up with so much abuse. We all thought “I would never do that. I would never allow that to happen to me.” Some of us are very outspoken, normally strong, even fearless people. If you met me you would describe me as a free spirit, defying categorization or control. I am anything but a “sheople” (sheep + people.) Yet my BPD had me so twisted up that one day I had a panic attack when one of the kids tracked mud on the kitchen floor. That is the day I realized I was in an abusive relationship. Even after that, it has taken me years to recognize all the abuse in all of its forms and what abuse really is.

Typically in a relationship with a BPD, you will experience the cycles of abuse. There will be some years worse and others a bit better, but generally over time the better times get fewer and farther between and the bad times get more intense and longer lasting. With each step in intimacy, the usually get worse (marriage/ moving in, having babies, you becoming more financially dependent etc) The worse it gets. They get you to think that if you can just try harder and do more, or work harder to earn their love and trust that it will get better. It is a paradox. The more you do those things the more respect they lose for you and the worse it gets.

BPDs generally see you as an extension of themselves, but an evil extension that is the cause of all their pain. They think if they can punish you and put enough pain into you, they will stop hurting inside. But it doesn’t work. It just kills you inside like a cancer you didn’t see growing until severe damage is done.

These are types of emotional abuse that you may not recognize right away:

• Abusive Expectations: The abuser expects you to be super human with no faults. It places unreasonable demands on the target, and the abuser is never satisfied with the amount the target has done. Instead the abuser criticises how it could have been done better, or complains about whatever wasn’t done.
• Constant Criticism
• Accusing/ Blaming/Fault Finding
• Diverting/Blocking: Refusing to ever let YOU bring up certain issues with the relationship or allowing you to have or talk about negative feelings
• Character Assassination/back biting: Unfairly using smear campaigns against you to gain sympathy with friends/relatives/coworkers or using them to gang up on you
• Condescension: Assuming in voice a position of authority with the intent to make you feel less or inferior
• Countering/Discounting: To automatically disagree without listening to get you
• Gaslighting: Trying to get you to doubt your own reality or feelings. (That’s not what I said/ That’s not what I meant/ That’s not what happened/ You are overreacting/ Being a drama queen/ Judging me wrong.)
• Financial Abuse: Monopolizing resources (Using up all the money and other resources, only giving token allowances if at all, or shaming the partner for using any money in ways the abuser doesn’t approve of.) Misusing resources for their wants over any one else’s needs. (Buying an I-Phone instead of paying rent, expecting someone else to pick up the bill) Destroying another’s credit or savings etc. Not allowing someone a job or progression in a job or education. Interfering in any way with someone’s success in the workplace.
• Emotional Blackmail: Threatening you they will suffer or die or kill themselves without you. Using Fear, Obligation and Guilt to control you. Making you feel that you are responsible for their emotional survival
• Fake Forgetting: Pretending to forget something they didn’t because it was inconvenient to remember it- like forgetting when they threatened or hurt you.
• Guilt tripping: Can include sulking and silent treatment
• Passive aggressive behaviors/ innuendoes/ insinuations/ nonverbals that are meant to hurt or shame you
• Judging and assuming the worst of you
• Any manipulation
• Name calling or labeling in a derogatory way that is not fair or real
• Controlling or assuming a position of authority
• Any threats: whether obvious or veiled or insinuated. Also acting scary or threatening about others who have crossed them to you. Telling you they would hurt them (an ex etc). The threat is implied, “If you cross me like they did, you will be next.”
• Undermining: Going against you to otherwise in order to make you feel foolish or get others to doubt your competence.
• Pitting the children against you in any way, which includes complaining about you to them, getting them to side with them against you. This can include undermining: Going against your authority with your kids etc in order to get them to disrespect you or recognize the abuser’s authority over yours.
• Intermittent reinforcement/ Changing expectations: One day something is OK and even rewarded, only to be punished another day.
• Creating an atmosphere of fear by sudden dramas and lashing out over small issues.
• Withholding: Refusing to participate in the relationship in the appropriate and expected way. Punishing you by refusing to help you with a flat tire, talking to you in a normal expected way (can include silent treatment), withholding information. This is not a refusal of sex when one is upset, as this is normal, healthy and expected. If sex is used to control another , then that is abuse. There are some who don’t understand the difference. Everyone has a right to refrain from sex until they feel ready and emotionally safe.

There are so many forms of abuse, but it all comes back to the same definition: a PATTERN of attempts to control, manipulate, subjugate, punish, hurt, isolate demean or devalue another human being.

Abuse is NOT demanding to be treated fairly or establishing boundaries to protect yourself. It is not asking someone to step up to their obligations or letting natural consequences take their course due to someone else’s bad choices. The difference is this: Abuse attempts to control another person. Boundaries and fair treatment and refusing to hurt yourself for someone else are to protect yourself.

You will never be able to get them to understand this. There is no way you can phrase anything in the right way to reach them. They cannot hear you no matter what you say, or how you say it. Sometimes, when they really fear you leaving, they might reach “a moment of clarity” when they suddenly seem to see and own it. But it will pass. They cannot hold their shame for very long and they will flip back into old patterns as soon as the threat passes. It will be as the moment never happened, and they can no longer see or remember it.

It doesn’t matter that the abuse is rooted in a personality disorder. (Personality disorder translated= unhealthy/bad personality. See “Are They Sick?“) The fact is abuse is abuse, and the root reasons don’t make it less bad. BPD relationships typically follow the pattern of all abusive relationships. As with any abusive relationship, their odds of recovery while you are still there are very very small. You become their trigger and very few can stop abusing you once you are the trigger.

A question I frequently get asked is “Do they know what they are doing?” Yes and no… and it doesn’t matter. BPDs will almost never define their behaviors as abuse. Much of the PD does they are unaware of the why. They do however, usually know when they are abusing you that it is wrong. If they can switch it off and not say or do those things to a potential employer in a job interview, they know it is wrong, at least at the time. They just don’t know the why. But they can’t hold their shame for long so they must dissociate it. They later will tell themselves why it was justified, minimize it or forget about the incident all together. If you bring it up, you will likely get some version of gaslighting. They will use deny, minimize and blame. As an extension of themselves, they are over it and think you should be too. They think you should be over it and are frustrated when you are not. Anything less might be met by another punishment of one form or another. In short, they know it’s wrong in the moment and they do it anyway, but later they forget or deny they do wrong (unless sometimes your case is too string to deny and they are cornered with it.) And it doesn’t matter. My dear friend once said something that stuck with me. This is my take on what he said: It’s an alligator. It’s going to eat you. You can blame, judge and be angry at the alligator or not. It’s going to eat you if you stick around anyway. It’s what alligators do. You are not less because you recognize it as the dangerous animal for what it is and choose to survive and get the hell away from it.

I highly recommend that all all who even think that what they are experiencing could be emotional abuse should read “Why Does He Do That?” By Lundy Bancroft. (Even if he/she has never laid a hand on you in violence.) I also recommend you to your domestic violence shelter, even if you aren’t leaving and don’t need a place to stay. They can offer so much more than just shelter, and you will be suprised how much you can gain from their knowlege and expertise.

Peace and Love…

And the Devastation That Follows

Many if not most of us who have lived in a long term relationship with someone with a personality disorder (PDs) have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or C-PTSD. I remember when PTSD was first making headlines and how so many people tried to dismiss it as not a real thing. That is essentially where C-PTSD is right now. Our society has been slow to recognize emotional abuse, what it is and its effects. (See abuse defined.) C-PTSD has not been acknowledged by many professionals yet, but is very real. It is a result of being subjected to years worth of emotional or physical abuse. The VA department recognizes that the PTSD diagnosis does not fully capture the specifics of C-PTSD and therefore makes the distinction. The severity depends on our individual selves, experiences, personalities, and the severity and type of abuse. But if you live with a PDed partner long enough, it is probably inevitable.

There are many of us in relationships with PDs who live in constant fear of an emotional or physical outburst. Sometimes there are spoken or unspoken threats. Sometimes we catch glimpses of what happens to those who have crossed the line with our PDed partners, and we fear that when we step into that outer darkness they will take our lives, either physically or metaphorically speaking. We know that they may stop at nothing to destroy us. If not our physical lives, at least our relationships with our children, our families, our reputations, our finances, our jobs, our homes. You name it. They feel all is justified in their war games if you cross them.

The funny thing about our minds is that they don’t often understand the difference between a physical threat and an emotional one. Our minds and bodies have the same response to an emotional attack as a physical one. The adrenaline and the cortisol hormones among others (the fight or flight mechanisms) are all activated. Our higher brain shuts down and puts us in a fog state to try to protect us from what is happening. We don’t often process the gravity of the situation until it is over. By then, our PDed partner has switched to “FOG” mode in order to deal with their behavior or to keep us from abandoning them. Depending on the flavor of PD, this can manifest itself in typically one or a combination of specific but predictable behavior patterns. No matter which it is, it creates a fog. Fog can stand for “Fear, Obligation and Guilt” but also feels exactly like a fog because it clouds our judgement, higher thinking and our memories.

Fog tactic #1: The love bomb.

What they do: This usually comes into play if a PD knows they have really crossed the line and they fear they will lose you, or you have said you would leave. Or you left! They will suddenly have a moment of clarity and vow to get help, and apologize for everything they have done. They become “their good side”, or Dr Jekyll. This is not usually an intentional manipulation. They aren’t planning on faking you out so they can abuse you later. They mean it. The reality of you leaving triggers their fear of abandonment. Regardless of how they feel about you most of the time (whether they think the really love you or not) they will feel real pain and cry real tears because they can’t handle being left. (While they can leave you on a whim if they think they have a better replacement opportunity… but you are still supposed to spend your life pining away for them… but this is another topic.) When they feel the real pain of you leaving, they interpret this as the realization that you must be their one true love and they were just (temporarily crazy, blind, insert excuse here.)  They convince themselves they can behave and they love bomb you. This creates fog. Of course they are telling you everything you have been longing to hear, and your values are to be empathetic, forgiving, and to want more than anything for your family (or relationship) to be whole. You see their pain and you think maybe this time the pain will be enough to get them to change. But it’s more than that. The love bomb physically triggers your love hormones (primarily oxytocin) and you enter honeymoon phase. This love hormone causes it’s own kind of fog and you are not able to process reality clearly. Oxytocin clouds your judgement. It actually causes you to trust when you shouldn’t, Who would have thought that there is a trust hormone? If all the past evidence says they have mostly behaved badly in the past, but short term good behavior appears and you go against your better judgement and you trust them and “don’t know why” it’s probably because you got a good shot of hormones and you are listening to your chemicals (and other maladapted caretaker emotional issues) and not your experience. Remember, insanity  is to repeat the same behavior and expect a different result. This lovely love hormone will also ramp up your empathy, your generosity and your submission/cooperation. This is the perfect chemical recipe for setting up the repetition of the abuse cycle. You get foggy about the abuse. You are more likely to compartmentalize and forget, at least on a conscious level. (See Compartmentalization.) But in the back of your head you still made associations and sustained the blows that will scar. You have to deal with that at some point because it will leak out…

Fog tactic #2: Playing the victim.

What they do: They switch to victim role so easily and so convincingly that we actually believe them. Even though they are the ones who just abused us, they seem do obviously hurt that we follow their lead into that rabbit hole and can actually start thinking we are the abusers they paint us to be. Men are even more vulnerable to this. Unfortunately our society has not figured out that women can be as destructive as men when it comes to abuse. Men are trained to think that if the woman is unhappy, it’s his fault and he deserves it. But no matter our sex, we as caretakers tend to self blame and internalize anyway, and we tend to undervalue ourselves and overvalue others. This is the reason we make such perfect magnets for our mirror images of the PDs. We are the same yet opposite. Yet again, they aren’t faking their pain. They really believe their twisted version of reality. They really do see themselves as our victims. It’s a coping mechanism they developed years ago and core to their disorder. They hurt. We are empaths feel it. Not only we want to heal them, but we also want to convince ourselves and them that we really are the heroes we want to be, and so we are forced out of hurt mode and into rescuer mode. Even if they do own something they did (usually because they are too backed in a corner and our case is unshakable and they have no alternative) if they might kind of own it or apologize in a way, but they immediately switch to something like, “you only see what I do wrong…” and play victim that way. We are forced into defending ourselves again and we start listing their good qualities. This is a predictable manipulation. They don’t really do it on a conscious level. Most of the “whys” of what a PD does is largely subconcious. They don’t know why they are doing what they are doing. But it’s something they learned somewhere in their early life, and it was rewarded, so it got repeated until it became part of their personality. (Don’t drop the “personality” part of personality disorder! It is who they are. See “Are They Sick?”) See what just happened though? The conversation turns away from whatever bad thing they did, and becomes us praising them instead. Talk about cognitive dissonance! The fog rolls in. Again, you are forced to compartmentalize what happened. You pack it away in a box and shove it with all of those other bulging, leaky boxes in your mental attic. They aren’t gone and the contents will one day leak… but until then…

Fog tactic #3: Pretend it never happened

What they do: You just had a big huge blow up and you are feeling frazzled and angry, and you have finally had it and are ready to let them have it and get the hell out of hell. Or maybe you just dealt with 3 weeks of violent silence and feel nuts but just want to end it and make up… or just end it in some way. And in they walk, cool as can be as if nothing ever happened. It really throws you for a loop. It makes you feel even more crazy because you can’t see how anyone who just fought through the same deadly blowout with carnage and blood spilled (metaphorically speaking of course) can not be as frazzled and angry and crazy feeling as you. You are thinking “WTH? Did I just imagine what just happened??” If you do bring it up, you are likely met with some version of gaslighting like, “That’s not what I said/ That’s not what I meant/ That’s not what happened.” And then “You are overreacting/ being a drama queen/ crazy/ out of control/judging me wrong.” Then maybe “It’s in the past.” (Even if it was 5 min ago. BTW– the rule doesn’t go the other way. If you did something wrong 5 years ago they can use it in every argument until the end of time.) This is another manipulation tactic. Again, they don’t always know they are doing it, but it has worked for them so well before they reflexively use it without a thought. Really, they have already compartmentalized their behavior because they can’t see or deal with their own shame, and since you are an extension of them in their minds, you are supposed to have done the same. They can’t see why you aren’t over it because they are. They feel justified in their actions and so you should also feel they were right or at least not wrong or so bad for them treating you the way they did.  It is very confusing and since we are so easily swayed to ignoring our own feelings and overvaluing the opinions and feelings of others, we doubt ourselves and our reality. You question whether anything did happen, or at least if it wasn’t as bad as you thought. Again, role in the cognitive dissonance. Roll in the fog. Pack up more mental boxes, forget, move on. Compartmentalize it until you can’t anymore…

The final effect: The problem is our subconscious minds are leaky. It’s like storing water in cardboard boxes. It won’t hold for long. We have now been conditioned and primed for abuse. But no matter how strong we think we are, eventually things will leak out. Like the proverbial leaky dam, we can plug the first leak with a finger. But another pops out, and another. We try to push back all the water, but no one can hold back water. Pretty soon we are a sopping wet drenched mess, and we don’t even know what happened our how we got here.

What happened to that easy going, easy to please, happy person we were? What happened to the strong hero we thought we were? Do you feel jumpy at a sudden sound? Does a phone ring send anxiety through your soul? Are you afraid to NOT answer your phone? Cold sweat when you realize your phone was off.. or you have to explain why you need to go to a birthday party or stay after work? Does a single reminder or thought send you back in time to an incident, and you feel sudden fear as if an attack is still in progress? Is your personality changing? Are you feeling like a ghost? Did you change your belief system, either in religion, or in people, or the world in general? Do you “go away” sometimes in your head? Can’t concentrate? Feel like a deer in headlights? Feel isolated? Trouble with boundaries? You don’t know where to draw them because you don’t know what is safe… you either want to get too close to others or are afraid and stay too far? Nightmares? Getting physically sick?

Congratulations you may have just won a case of C-PTSD! All kidding aside… it’s serious stuff. Remember your subconscious mind doesn’t know the difference between an emotional threat and a physical one. If you have been living with a PDed partner, chances are your mind will start acting like you have been living in a war zone. Because you have. You never know when the next threat will jump out and threaten to “kill” you. All those issues now recognized in war zone vets… are showing up in you. Don’t get me wrong, I am in no way minimizing what our soldiers go through. I imagine that actually experiencing a trauma of a limb amputation or seeing others die in front of you is a next level trauma that… well I can not imagine. However, I also don’t want us to minimize our own mental hell that we walk and it’s chronic effects on our minds and hearts. And an important point here though is that the damage we sustain is largely from the perceived threat, whether the physical harm actually follows or not. They never have to physically lay on hand on us to cause the destruction. The chronic feelings of fear and the stress hormones cannot be sustained at critical levels for long periods. We simply aren’t designed for that. We wear out. We break. And unfortunately sometimes we break before we even really realized how much torture we were even being put through.

Little drips… Chinese water torture… Death by a thousand paper cuts… the cumulative effect of the thought on an almost daily basis, “I can die from this. I might be killed…” Well it isn’t so different than fighting a war in which you are never killed but live in a constant fear that each battle might be your last. Again… even if you don’t think your PDed spouse will literally kill you, don’t be surprised if you start “leaking” because your subconscious interprets your emotional war as the real thing. You probably wouldn’t be human if your war wounds didn’t start making their way to the surface.

The good news is that C-PTSD is treatable for those who really want to get better. It’s so much more treatable than a PD! I am not saying it’s easy. Very little that is easy is worth it. But if you are a truth seeker and are willing to turn your focus inside, you can  heal. BPD is a PTSD disorder. They all claim to have PTSD it seems. Maybe so. (There is some evidence that suggests sometimes some of their stories are not all as they remember them. But that’s another blog for another day.) They will keep their PTSD. They need to stay victims. The trouble is they also cause it in others. You would think that if they felt it the last thing they would want to do is spread it. But as BPDs do, they must spread their hell in a futile attempt to get rid of it. It never works long term. They get a temporary rush of adrenaline and a slight improvement in a temporary state as the wreak destruction on those around them by lashing out. Long term it destroys everyone, themselves included. BPD is all about the temporary self gratification of lashing out no matter the long term consequence. But you don’t have to let them win. The best revenge really is going on to be happy, no matter what they did or do to you.

For more on C-PTSD as it relates to partners of PDs, see “Out of the Fog“

Peace and love…

Your Partner Might be a Borderline If…

(Or Narcissist!)

Because you can’t cry all of the time!

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Why (We Think) We Need One Big Bad Last Fight

Are you at the point of leaving, but you feel you need a catalyst to seal the deal? The catalyst is one last big bad story that pushes us out the door. You have this fantasy that they will do one last horrible thing, and it will be so clearly over the line that there is no question that you have righteous justification to finally stand up and walk out, conscience clear?

I have thought much about how we want the last story to be a bad story… so we can justify leaving. Why is it the last story seems to be what matters? Why aren’t the sum of the bad stories we already have enough? If anyone else told our stories to us as theirs, there would be no question what we would advise them to do. In fact, some of our stories have been plenty horrific, but because for whatever reason we didn’t leave in that moment, we feel that the moment has “expired” and can no longer be used as the leaving catalyst. Again we feel like we must wait for another to come its way. Why do we think we need this? Why is the past not enough? And then it came to be in a moment of clarity… the answer is compartmentalization.

The reason we have been able to stay so long through all the PD abuse cycles (See abuse defined.) is that we have developed the coping mechanism compartmentalization. It works to protect us from the unsustainable and painful state of cognitive dissonance; which is holding two conflicting views in our minds. It protects us from the pain of the abuse we have suffered.

How it works– The PD is good and we fall in love. The PD is bad and they level us emotionally. How did that just happen? Are they good or are they bad? Because for whatever reason, we cannot accept both being part of the core of who they are. They become good again. So with the immediate danger out of the way, we package up the bad, and put it in a box, and shove it in a corner of our minds. We may forget about it, or normalize it, or justify it, or maybe we just leave it there. Still causing hurt when we visit it, but mostly consciously shoving it out of the way.So when they are good, we don’t feel the full sting of exactly how painful the bad was. We find ourselves saying things like, “Is he/she as bad as I thought?” or “Maybe I can do this.” or “Maybe I was over reacting.” This enables us to continue to be in love with the person we chose. This protects us from the searing pain of the person we loved most abusing us to the core. We come to think the one we love is a good person, but making bad choices, or a good person who occasionally does bad things.

But what is a personality? It is the sum of all the parts of the person. A healthy person knows this. A healthy person knows each behavior cannot just be split off from the person and packaged away, only to be brought to light when the person again becomes bad.

The person is all of their parts. A person is not parts. Parts are how we deal with our cognitive dissonance, Parts is how we cope with pain. A person is a whole. The sum of all. Good and bad. The bad is not just “a bad choice” if it is a continued, repeating life long pattern. Everyone makes mistakes and bad decisions, Everyone experiments with different behaviors. But if someone continues a pattern over their life span, it is not parts. It is not bad decisions and mistakes. It is part of who they are. It IS their personality. It is who they are. 

 

If you have found yourself saying, “But I see the good parts too.” or “He/she is a good person BUT…” or “If they could just change this one part” or “Dr Jekyll or Mr Hyde” then you are using compartmentalization. They are not Jekyll or Hyde. Truthfully, the reality is they are both. They have shown a consistent pattern over many years. They are a fully formed adult. They are not good people with some temporary bad behaviors that will pass after they get through a stressful job project. They are as much Hyde as they are Jekyll. The two are not separable. They are the bad… too. It is an integral part of the personality. This is why it is called a “personality disorder.” You cannot separate the bad into simply bad choices. It is not a mental illness the same way depression and anxiety are. It is them. It is a make up of their being.

When each of us partners of our PDs stumbled upon the official term BPD (or NPD etc.) it was a further cause to compartmentalize their behavior. We thought, “So this is an illness with a name! It can be treated!” and we got the impression that we could further split off the bad parts. But the truth is that it isn’t like that. In order for them to “get better” they would have to get rid of the very core things that make them them. It is not an illness that they can just get treatment for and move on. It is their core and their center. We can’t just compartmentalize the bad off from the good because it is our desire to do so.

The question becomes, “Can someone change their personality?” The answer is yes, but they would really really have to want to, and it would take years of extremely hard work, and after a few years of very hard work and consistently changing life long habits… a few aspects they can change. They can’t get rid of all of it. They won’t be a totally brand new person. And they wouldn’t do it just because their spouse wanted them to, begged them to, or demanded them to, or threatened them with leaving or even left them. In order for PDs to truly get better (and by “get better” I don’t mean just stopping the cutting and holding jobs longer which are behaviors of some low functioning BPDs that aren’t even always present in every BPD all the time anyway) but able to enjoy true love in a healthy relationship with no abuse against their spouses) they would need to deconstruct their personality and build a new one. Very few people have any capacity for real change, and PDs are no exception. In fact, the nature of their disorders make it incredibly rare for them to even consider it. Could it happen? Sure. But you shouldn’t mortgage you future and your kids’s mental health on such low odds.

Then can temporarily suppress parts of themselves to pacify  their partner, but they wouldn’t just change those parts of themselves. Not so easily, and not just like that.. (We as their partners can relate to this; as we likely have done so.) For example; I am a part time photographer. In my case it is part of who I am, not just a “taste” I have. I have a need to create art in photography, not just take pictures. When I married by BPD, I had to put aside that part of myself because he demanded all my time and attention and he stifled my creativity. He was very jealous any time I spent any time, energy or money on it. With each little fight, it became less and less worse the fight to try to pick up my camera, so each day when I didn’t want to fight, I slowly over time gave it up. For a few years, I suppressed that part of me for peace in the relationship. But it never went away, and really I just grew angry at him every day that I could not be me. So it is with BPDs. We ask them to change by asking them to be better. They cannot or will not because they do not have the true inner desire to change who they are. And even if you demand, threaten, beg, or leave them, it does not change that. But they can temporarily suppress parts of themselves so that we stay, to suck us back in. These are their “repentant” phases.

In fact, if the PD is such an ingrained part of who they really are, and we are asking them to change to what we want, then is it even possible for us to say we truly love them? Do we love them, the true them, if we want so badly for them to change? Do we really love them or do we love who we think they should be? The potential of who we think they can be? If so, it is not even true love on our parts and we would have more integrity if we let them go. True love doesn’t ask someone to change.

That was kind of a tangent… but back to compartmentalization: The reason you are stuck is because he/she is being less bad. The danger has passed, and you are already packing it in a box and shoving it away, just as you have done thousands of times before to cope with the pain you have lived through for so many years. This is the coping mechanism you know, and you have used it so often, you don’t know how to do anything else.

The only way for you to become truly healthy is to integrate all the compartments. You need to see your relationship as the whole that it is: not good, then bad, then good, then bad… If you continue to compartmentalize it, you will be numbed from the pain whenever you are not in the moment. You will think, “maybe this isn’t as bad as I thought” because in that moment it isn’t so bad. You are taking a mental snapshot of what is going on at this moment, and applying it to your general feeling.

Compartmentalization is a coping mechanism that we have developed for good reason and protects us in many ways. But it is also very damaging. It will keep you trapped in a bad cycle to be reused and abused. It prevents you from seeing the whole person you are with and dealing with reality.

This is why we think the last story matters. We want our last memory with them to be a bad one because subconsciously we know that is the one we will remember and hold onto.This gives us the strength to make the last final push away and make it stick. (We think.) This way, we will have packed up the good stuff and put that in a box and shoved that away. We can stay in the bad moment so we can stay mad and do what we need to do so we can leave. The problem with that is when they start being good again, even if we left, we go back to the good boxes and away from the pain. Or when being lonely feels bad, and we go open the good boxes, and we forget. This is when compartmentalizing becomes dangerous. It no longer protects us like it is designed to do. It becomes our worst enemy.

The only way through this is to integrate all of it… so that we no longer see it as good with bad or bad with good. We need to see the bad as a very real part of them that will (most probably) never go away. The true marker of the mental health that you have achieved will be when you no longer need the catalyst of the last bad memory. It is the only way to know for sure that you won’t get sucked back. No matter what. Which is what you really need to move on and finally be pain and PD free.

And guess what? If compartmentalization is a mechanism you have…  you will likely have some real issues with C-PTSD. (See “The Devastation That Follows.”) You need to integrate to be healthy on that level too.

Abbreviations and Definitions

PD: Personality Disorder. PDs are in a separate category than clinical diagnoses, which is what most people think of as mental illnesses. The tool used to diagnose mental states, the DSM, personality disorders are in Axis 2. PDs are not “familially” related to other mental illnesses such as schizophrenia or depression.They are called Personality Disorders because they are so deeply ingrained in a person that they are part of the person’s personality. If it were not part of their unique identity (or personality), it would not be termed a personality disorder. It would simply be a disorder. The “personality” part is key in understanding them. It is a disorder because it is not healthy. Their personalities are not healthy.  Read more here.

Cluster B Disorders: I write mostly about my experience with people from the Cluster B Category of Personality Disorders. This cluster tends to have co-occurring disorders. This means that if a person has one, there is a good possibility that they have two or more from the same category, or at least a predominance of one with several traits of another. These disorders are Borderline (BPD), Narcissistic (NPD), Histrionic (HPD), Antisocial (ASPD). Sometimes it is hard for therapists to draw the line where one starts and the other begins with their client. Sometimes they just might say it is a cluster B disorder. Insurance companies often demand a diagnosis, so the therapist might code it as one disorder when others are also present.

These people by diagnosis definition have problems with impulse control and emotional regulation. As such, they tend to be abusive people when in relationships. (See “Abuse: Do You Really Know What it is?“)

Experts often tiptoe around this subject, but chances are if someone is highly agitated and has poor impulse control and cannot regulate their emotions, there is a good probability they will lash out at those around them, which by most definitions translates to abuse. (At least emotional, and emotional counts! The the scars in fact can even be deeper.) People with cluster B disorders might range in severity from a passive aggressive pouter to a partner killer. None who use emotional warfare are safe, because no one can be safe in an emotionally abusive relationship. The idea that has a personality disorder can in fact be a distractor, especially to the mind of a “healing” personality type who is in love with someone with a PD. We tend to hear “disorder” and think we can heal the person. We almost mentally drop the word “personality.” It can be used to even excuse their behavior, in both the mind of the disordered, and the mind of their target. People forget… it doesn’t matter that you can say their personality is unhealthy. The fact is there is no excuse for abuse. (Any kind!)

BPD: Borderline Personality Disorder. There is nothing “Borderline” about it! Borderline is a misnomer because when it was discovered, the psychiatric thinking was that it was on the border of psychosis and neurosis, since it had elements of both. In reality, BPDs are extreme people. They have a very black and white/ everything or nothing world. They can flip between extreme levels of emotions so fast, that it can be easily mistaken for Bipolar Disorder or Dissociative Identity Disorder. (AKA Multiple Personality Disorder.) A BPD has a poor sense of self, often taking on traits of the person they are with like an personality chameleon.

I think of BPDs as emotional porcupines. If they perceive a threat, even if the threat is completely imagined in their heads, the quills come out and the person nearest them gets injured. They are obsessive about a fear of abandonment, even if they don’t even like the person they are imagining is abandoning them. Anything can be abandonment, including a simple question like “Did you make anything for dinner?”

BPDs tend to have “stormy” relationships. Again, in my opinion, experts tiptoe around the meaning of “stormy.” They are reluctant to call it abuse. However, I cannot think of one scenario that I would call “stormy” that isn’t describing at least one tactic of emotional abuse. Also, according to the DSM, BPDs often engage in devaluation, which is an abusive behavior. Devaluation is useful for them so that they can convince themselves (and you) that you are worth less than you are. That way it won’t hurt as much when you leave. This kind of emotional abuse is devastating to the target, and the target often finds they are forever trying to prove themselves.

In case you think that you can make them feel safe, and then they will stop devaluing you; you can’t. This is something that has been broken within themselves for a very long time, and you probably are not the first (or last) to try to fix it. You cannot even give them enough incentive to change themselves (by leaving or ultimatums.) If there is a key for them fixing themselves, only they and the right therapy can find it (if they are very, very self motivated and work very, very hard.) Losing their entire world is usually not enough. Why? Because in most cases, their inner demons are scarier to them then losing everything and everyone in their lives. It is that big of a deal. If not, they would have fixed themselves a long time ago. They developed their disorder because the coping mechanisms served them well: Better than facing their reality.

**I can concede there is a possibility that there could be a 100% “inwardly focused” BPD who does not abuse others, but only abuses themselves. However, after having multiple encounters with many PDs and their targets, I have yet to hear of one. Generally, because of the way BPDs enmesh themselves in relationships with partners, they often don’t see between themselves and their partners, and the abuse overflows.

Most BPDs are never diagnosed. Of those that are, most never get proper treatment. Of those that do, most drop out. Of those who work really really hard to change their personality, most only change a few behaviors. Of those that do, many regress to old ways, because the hard-wiring makes it easier. Most don’t truly form a healthy personality. Depressing odds right? A very large percentage of people with BPD also have NPD. The higher the NPD tendencies, the less likely they are to get better. There are very many programs that tout great recovery rates for BPDs. Always, always read the fine print. In most cases (all that I have read about) the standard measure of “better” is usually a decreased rate of self harm and suicidal behaviors. While that is great for them, and I wish them all the success in the world, not all of these are always present in BPDs anyway. I have yet to read any studies about BPDs who were once abusive to their partners who did the work and became a good, healthy partner.

NPD: Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Do you think you know what a narcissist is? Don’t be so sure. The NPD generally does not obsess about how beautiful they are etc. They might be full of themselves (at least on the surface), but they might not be. In fact deep down, they may feel really terrible about who they are.

NPDs have no empathy for others. The exclusion of empathy means they are not capable of true love. The key in NPD is that they cannot accept fault. This is the guardian that protects their own delicate psyches from themselves and others. Unfortunately, it also keeps them from improving. Everything is always someone else’s fault. A very large percentage of BPDs also have NPD. This is what keeps them from getting and completing treatment. After all, if they can’t admit they have a problem, there is no way they can fix it.

NPDs have a endless double standard. They will excuse their own faults, but yours disgust them. (Even if they are the same ones!) Everything is your fault. NPDs are entitled. They are allowed to treat you any way they feel fit, because you are their personal emotional punching bag and they are entitled to punish you. They are often chronic spenders because they feel their money is for their hearts desires, while the world (or you) should just provide for their needs because they breathe. (Spending money on an I-Phone or vacation and expect someone else to pay their rent.) They are often pathological liars. Usually they are cheaters. They are abusive, either physically, emotionally, or financially. Or all of the above! NPD defies any sort of therapy. NPDs don’t believe they have any problems that are their fault. Everything is everyone else’s fault. They have no desire to change who they are. If they find themselves in therapy it is usually because they were compelled to go, or they intend to use therapy to convince you how sick you are, so they can further manipulate you.

ASPD: Antisocial Personality Disorder. (Aka Sociopath) An ASPD seems to never have developed a of conscience. They can do whatever they want to whomever they want because they want. If they don’t do something they want to do, it is because they don’t want to deal with the punishment, not because they want to do the right thing. They have no ability to truly love or connect with anyone. No one knows for sure how this happens. Sometimes they had extremely abusive parents. Sometimes they came from normal families with mommies and daddies who loved them. Despite the media image, not all ASPDs are killers. (Though some are!) Some just have no affinity for blood. Sometimes it’s just mental games that are their passion. There is no real effective treatment for ASPD– at least once in adulthood. They see nothing wrong with their way of being in the world. They think we are the broken ones. They think we are silly for limiting ourselves in “weak” ways with things like love and compassion. Some need people but not for love and in the ways we initially believe. They need them to use them and are only in pain when they can no longer use you. They will abuse you because they need to use you. All people are meant to be used, they believe. They don’t believe anyone is innocent. They can and do fake love, but it is either meant to manipulate you, or to fake it because they desire to keep up appearances in order to keep themselves from being discovered. As of yet, no proven effective therapeutic way to get these people to learn empathy for anyone has been developed.

HPD: Histrionic Personality Disorder. This is the drama queen. (Male or female!) They love to be the center of attention, and their emotions are all over the place… but always extreme. They make the slightest thing into a tsunami. This personality disorder doesn’t have an inherent abuse component that I can think of, other than that it often accompanies BPD. I won’t address this much because I don’t have much experience with someone who is strictly HPD. The bulk of my experience with this as a 1-2 punch with BPDs.

u: (Used before the appropriate PD, like uBPD) undiagnosed. Most PDs go undiagnosed. While you shouldn’t really diagnose someone (therapists hate it when we do that), sometimes we are the only ones close enough to our PDed partners to see how they really are. Most PDs will lie in therapy, and hide who they are. They aren’t dummies. They know to not let all their crazy out in front of “the wrong person.” There are mutitudes of other reasons why a PD is missed that I won’t go into for now, but most of us couldn’t drag our partners in to a therapist if we clubbed them over the head anyway. If they do go to therapy it will be monopolized and used to blow up our own faults and use the therapist as an additional weapon of control against us. With these types of PDs, sometimes the only one who can see it is the one who is taking all the hits. Us! I say, if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck and quacks like a duck, you don’t have to drag it to an ornithologist to be told it’s a duck. If they meet enough of the criteria that you can recognize a pattern, then buyer beware. Don’t subject yourself to any more abuse either way!

The only time I have ever seen anyone be wrong when they are wondering if their spouse has a PD, is when they themselves is a PD. Especially those with BPD tend to project their doing and thoughts etc onto their partners, so they often think they see their partner doing exactly what they and only they do! Are you thinking, “OMG– could I be the one with BPD?” Well if you had that thought, you probably aren’t. BPDs rarely look at themselves because the NPD guard doesn’t allow it. However, people in relationships with PDs often do question themselves. This also can be exploited in you by the PDs. This is a trait PDs have on their top 10 wish lists for a partner. That way they can dish out the guilt and the crazy, and twist it so that even you think it could have been you. You might take this abuse (called gas lighting) for years! However, these traits are a good thing because it keeps you growing spiritually and emotionally, and helps you be fair in relationships. You have the ability to reach self actualization.

h, w, bf, or gf: husband,  wife, boyfriend or girlfriend respectively. Usually after the appropriate PD. (Such as uBPDh= undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder.)

 

C-PTSD: Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Read more here. This is a specific kind of PTSD that develops in targets of abuse. The VA department states that “the current PTSD diagnosis often does not fully capture the severe psychological harm that occurs with prolonged, repeated trauma. People who experience chronic trauma often report additional symptoms alongside formal PTSD symptoms, such as changes in their self-concept and the way they adapt to stressful events.” It is important to note that in even most cases, the abuse that caused this type of PTSD was not usually physical. As far as our subconscious minds are concerned, there is no difference to physical trauma or emotional trauma. Your mind and the physical reaction inside your body on a chemical level are the same. Even if the abuse is covert, or passive aggressive, the cumulative effect is mentally virtually identical and results in the damage of C-PTSD.

 

Are They Sick?

When you first found out about NPD or BPD, you probably felt like a light was suddenly turned on out of the pitch black confusion. Suddenly everything made sense! The crazy behaviors, the mean comments, all the abuse. You probably went back to the codependent thinking process and kicked into fix it/heal it gear. You told yourself, “He/she isn’t bad. He/she is sick!” And where there is sickness there can be healing. Right? Well no not really.

Maybe you are at the end of your rope, and you think you are really ready to move on, but you have trouble reconciling your conscience or religious beliefs. If they are sick; didn’t you promise “in sickness and in health?” Can you feel OK leaving someone you believe to be mentally ill? After all, you wouldn’t leave your partner if he/she had cancer. Let me ease your guilt.  Really, they are not just “sick.” Let me explain:

First, you need to understand the difference between personality disorders and other types of mental illnesses. There is a world of difference and the distinction needs to be made. Mental health professionals diagnose illnesses based on a system called the DSM. It categorizes “families” of the different states of mental function and defines all diagnoses.

When you think of mental illness, you probably typically think of the illnesses that are in the axis 1 diagnosis category. This axis contains things like depression, schizophrenia, and social phobias. (Most therapists also see that category as the typical mental illness as well.) The right treatment can often be quite effective with these illnesses, and many of the people afflicted with them can go on to live fairly or completely normal, healthy lives. It might be a lot of work to overcome these battles, and it may be a struggle for life to keep the illness in check, but it can often be done. The disease is not a part of who the person is. It can engulf and strangle the person inside at times, until proper treatment is in place. It is an illness in every sense of the word. This is mental illness.

You might even think of Axis 4 when you think about what a mental illness could be defined as. Axis 4 contains mental health issues that aren’t really mental illnesses either, but might benefit from treatment. Examples would be situational depression, say from grieving a death or divorce. These are usually temporary states stemming from life circumstances. More appropriately termed, these are not mental illnesses, but states of mental function. These have excellent rates of recovery. Many people overcome these issues on their own, Others require professional help. But most who put in the work can reap the rewards of a healthy, happy life. The state of mental function is transient and not core to who the person is. It can be removed, and the person can again be their “normal” selves.

Axis 2 contains the personality disorders as well as autism and mental retardation. Most people wouldn’t say a person with autism is mentally ill. Yet it is in the same category as PDs. Why? Because it is so ingrained into the hard wiring of the brain, and has been a part of who they are since at least late childhood.  The definition of a personality disorder in the DSM  is “an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectation of the individual’s culture, is pervasive and inflexible, has an onset in adolescence or early adulthood, is stable over time, and leads to distress or impairment.” It affects the entire personality. It is deep to the core of the identity of the person. This is how they see and interact with their world. In other words, the personality disorder is not some illness the person has, it is who they are!

The true “recovery” rates are dismally infinitesimal for BPDs. Most BPDs never get diagnosed. One reason is that a very large percentage also have NPD, which defies admitting anything is even wrong with them to begin with. We all know, if you can’t own a behavior, you can’t fix it.

Of those who do get diagnosed, most won’t get help. Of those who get help, most won’t get the proper treatment, because so many are so good at manipulating their therapists, and a sad small number of therapists are even properly educated on BPD. Of those who get the proper help, most don’t seriously stay in treatment and put forth their best effort (no matter how rock bottom they hit, or who they lose). The drop out rates for the BPD treatment programs are incredibly high. Of those who stay in treatment, most only improve a few behaviors. Of those that improve, they have a life long temptation to slip back into old ways (just like alcoholics), because that is what is easier for them. It’s already in the hard wiring.

The programs that claim great odds usually base their measure of success on things like instances of self harm or suicide attempts. None make claims on improving partner abuse, because as of yet (likely due to fear of litigation), few in power will officially admit that BPDs are abusive. (Emotional abuse counts as much or more than physical! See abuse defined.) The odds of abusers getting better are very, very low and BPDs are one type of abuser. No matter what, BPD is not an excuse to abuse.

Even the word “recovery” is even misleading. It implies the person can return to their normal, healthy self. People with PDs never had a healthy personality to begin with, and as we just discovered, it isn’t really an illness anyway. It is who they are.

According to Susan Krauss Whitbourne Ph.D in Psychology Today:

Unlike other challenges to mental health, the personality disorders do not represent a particular pattern of “illness” that can be “cured.” Individuals with these disorders develop symptoms that reflect the evolution of personality traits over the course of their lives. Their traits, which are a part of their overall psychological make-up, are the same as people who are mentally healthy.  However, their personality traits take on a particularly maladaptive form.

So to re-frame your reference; BPD/NPD or any other personality disorder are not mental illnesses in the true sense of the word. (At least not as most people would define it.) The personality disorder is so deeply rooted to the core of who they truly are that no wonder it defies change. The person would have to rip themselves to the core and rebuild their personality. How many people even have the strength and desire to do that? If they have one lazy fiber in their entire being, they probably cannot manage such a daunting task.

You wouldn’t leave a cancer patient or someone with diabetes, because they are a separate and distinct person from their disease. They ARE NOT their disease. I pretty much bet that even if a cure was discovered, even if it was long and hard and grueling, most of them would go through it to be healed. Schizophrenia is a disease. You probably would not leave someone with that disease because they are actually being smothered by their disease, and it suppresses who they truly are. But they are still good inside. If there was an instant cure, they would just be restored to their own real selves. An illness implies some other thing has taken root in an otherwise separate and distinct individual who may be suppressed or even suffocated by the disease, but who is not actually part of the disease.

But BPD is not like that. It is a part of who they are— not a chemical or biological disease. It is not a disease covering up who they really are. It IS who they are. The person they pretended to be in the beginning… THAT was usually the act. That was a manipulation. The illness is not separable from who they are as an individual. They ARE THEIR DISEASE.

So here is the question that brings: How accountable are they? From what I personally have decided I have two thoughts. One, they are 100% accountable, because every person is 100% accountable for their actions are no matter how bad they feel. Look at any other situation. Ted Bundy was a despicable murderer. He was abused terribly as a child. Does that make his actions any less evil? Should he have received a lesser sentence because of how bad he felt inside? What about a child molester who molests little children? Should they receive a lesser sentence because they feel such a strong need to molest, and they feel so bad inside? Then the other factor. It really doesn’t matter how at fault they are or not. It doesn’t matter whether a PD is the root cause of their abuse or not. The effect on the people around them is the same, and it’s devastation, Abuse is abuse and there is no excuse for abuse. It’s like this… your house is burning down around you. It doesn’t really matter whether it was started by accident or if it was arsen. The fact is you are going to die if you don’t get out.

Also consider the light switch theory. I heard a psychiatrist say this: (And I paraphrase)

Schizophrenics have episodes no matter who is around and what is going on, or what the context is. They can control their behavior little, if at all. If they are in a delusional episode and they are seeing faces on the walls, and hearing voices, and they believe they are real, they are going to freak out no matter who is present. They will likely freak out whether they are at a job interview, or with their wife, or psychiatrist.

Other mental illness do not have a shut off switch. People who suffer from other mental illnesses can control little if any of their behavior . (Except through proper meds and the right treatment-  but this is not an instant switch!) Personality Disorders, on the hand, have an amazing ability to flip the off switch of their behaviors whenever it is convenient. They can shut it down and act completely normal in a job interview. Or around co-workers, or bosses if they desire. (At least for the most part.) They likely switched off the bad behavior to get you hooked in the beginning of your relationship (and in hoovering episodes.) On the first date with you, it is unlikely they threw a tantrum and yelled at you telling you you are fat and lazy. (Or whatever they say to you now.) In fact they probably “behaved” for either weeks, or months, or even years, depending on their personal level of control. Of course, looking back now you probably recognize some warning signs you didn’t see before because you didn’t know what they meant. But for the most part, they behaved pretty normally. They switched it off. Even now, if they were throwing a fit and smashing things and yelling, if their boss or the cops came to the door, they likely would drop anger like a switch and turn into Mr or Mrs Charming. And as soon as the person leaves, they unleash it again. No other mental illness can do this in this same degree.

So what this means is… they know they are wrong, at least at the time during the behavior. They know if their boss saw this behavior it would be unacceptable and they would be fired. That’s why they hide it from everyone else. They know what they are doing and they choose it on purpose. Cancer patients don’t choose it. You don’t leave cancer patients because they don’t choose to act sick. They are sick, and there is no choice in the matter at all. You do leave PDs because they choose to have sick behaviors. It might be hard for them to control themselves, but they have shown you they could refrain from abusing you if they really wanted to. They just get a higher payoff by hurting you. It’s about the CHOICE they make: not the “disease” itself.

So why do they act like they can’t help themselves? Why are they so resistant to change? Why do they destroy their lives? Because the payoff; to them, is worth it- at least at the moment. Their single biggest need is to be a victim. Bigger than feeling good, bigger than their love for you, bigger that their love for their own kids. That needs trumps all. They cannot help it because that is the need that they will satiate first. NO MATTER WHAT. They are choosing that over you, over their marriage, over their kids, over God. They FEEL SO MUCH BETTER while they are flipping out. Their adrenaline is pumping, their heart is racing, and they feel alive. Much better than the deadness and emptiness they feel most of the time. It feels SO GOOD to be blaming you and hurting you. They know it is wrong and they can’t stop because at that very moment… they don’t care about anything else. They may seem miserable. They are not. They are getting a major payoff by doing what they are doing at that very moment. Then when they go cry to their friend about how mean you are because of what you said or did (which is probably made up or taken out of context or greatly exaggerated anyway) they get the greatest payoff again… that the need to be the victim is being filled. Like a drug addict, they may feel bad about this later. They know this behavior is wrong, so they come up with a complicated system of explaining and justifying why they have the right to be that way; to themselves and anyone else who will listen. They can’t hold the guilt for very long because it is too painful, so moments of repentance are usually short lived. They are soon repressed and guarded by the NPD gate keeper so that they can get up again and go on another day without changing anything. But really… they know they are wrong because they can and do shut it off when they really want to.

So here is what it comes down to… Their biggest love is their BPD and the payoffs they get from that. They will never change because there is no payoff that compares to what they get from keeping it. They may think they love you and want to keep you, but in the end, if there was a clear choice they will never choose you, because you can never compete. When you leave a BPD you are not breaking your wedding vows. They already broke them by not forsaking all others and cleaving unto you. Not to mention the vows to honor and cherish etc. And it’s not like they choose the mistress of BPD once, repent, and come back to you begging forgiveness. They may beg your forgiveness to placate you while they are in a hoovering episode, but really they won’t ever give her up. She is there to stay forever. In fact, she gets the master bedroom and you get the guest room or backyard. He/she might let you sleep in the master on a few occasions to keep stringing you along, but you always get kicked back to your place eventually because plain and simple he/she loves her more than you. And round and round the cycle goes. Forever. He/she goes back to her every time, and if you are lucky you might get her leftovers.

They are not “just sick.”

They are the disorder as much or more than there “good sides” they once showed us. The sad truth is the “good sides” were usually more of an act than real anyway. That is a subject for another blog, another day. But the bad stuff… that’s not all stuff they do that they can stop. It’s not just bad behavior. It IS them. It is the core of who they are.

Staying for God

There are many targets of abuse that stay because they believe it is the right thing to do. I myself was raised in a religion that preached there are only two reasons for divorce. Chronic adultery and/or abuse. By abuse, my definition was that he had to be hitting me. (Now I know better. See abuse defined here.) I figured if God wanted me to leave, He would give me an out. I spent many, many years praying for God would soften my uASPD/NPDx‘s heart, and end the emotional beatings I was taking every day.

Oh how I prayed and prayed for that out! Many times, I was pretty sure my uASPD/NPDx husband was having an affair. But I had no proof, and because or religious convictions, I felt I needed to know for sure. I needed evidence beyond a shadow of a doubt. “Please God soften his heart. But if his heart will not be softened, and if he is having an affair, let me find the evidence that will give me the clean and clear conscience to leave.” It didn’t come, and so I stayed.

Oh how then I prayed he would just come out and hit me! He was guilty of profound neglect, and could throw emotional punches hard enough to flatten me. But he never actually physically touched me, so I thought I had to stay. I stayed way too long and allowed way too much destruction and devastation into my life, and it permanently scarred my children. “My prayer became, “Please God soften his heart. But if his heart will not be softened, and if he is having an affair, let me find the evidence. If there is no affair; his emotional punches are real. Just withdraw his inhibition so that he will make the emotional assault a physical one. I can see in his eyes he wants to badly to hit me anyway. Please, oh please let him just do it.” It never came, and so I stayed.

After our divorce, he confessed to multiple affairs that started even before our wedding day. I was right when I suspected affairs; not paranoid. But it didn’t help me get out because I didn’t find out for sure until it was too late. What finally got me out was the realization that God would never ask me to stay in that hostile, emotional cesspool of abuse. That was a requirement I demanded only of myself.

I don’t intend to debate religion here. I only wish to express my own opinions regarding the God that I have come to know. My God is above all a loving and perfect parent. He is not punitive, petty, or hateful. If there is a God who is those things. I have no desire to go to that Heaven.

This is what I have come to understand. Marriage bonds are binding… until they are broken.

Whatever your religious take, there was probably some version of “Love, honor and cherish” in those vows, and there was either a written, spoken, or implied vow that you would each treat each other with respect as divine children of a Supreme Being. The partner who did not honor the bonds of the vows by using abuse is the one who ended the marriage, not the one who had to walk out to protect themselves and/ or their children.

Emotional abuse counts every bit as physical. It is poison to the spirit, and taints the soul. A healthy spirit is of utmost importance in maintaining a connection with God. If your soul is being beaten, you cannot and will not have the energy to fulfill the role that God has for you. God made us, and He made us the way we are. We are built and programmed in such a way that we function psychologically more or less according to Maslow’s Heirarcy of Needs. If you are being abused emotionally or physically, your growth is being stunted in the areas of safety and security, way at the bottom of the pyramid. You don’t have the time or energy you need for divine purposes, which would be way at the top of the pyramid. You simply cannot progress in the context of your current environment. Abuse is the enemy to God, and essentially, no man can serve two Gods. You must either have abuse in your life, or God. The presence of one will occlude the presence of the other; to whichever degree in which it exists in your relationship. You can choose today: Which will you serve?

I liked this statement from Crosswalk.com, “If a person puts others in the family in danger, separation must occur. At that point, separation isn’t an option, it’s survival.” and then goes on to clarify, “Safety means more than physical security. Some spouses (men and women) suffer from repeated emotional beatings or live in a marriage that causes them serious spiritual vulnerability. They need to flee for protection just as strongly as those experiencing physical abuse.”

In any contract, whether the vows be legal by man, or divine by God, the one who broke the agreement is the one who broke the agreement. The one who stayed, fought and gave everything to try is not required to be held to that agreement anymore. You are set free when the other person fails to live up to their commitment. I can see in my spiritual imagination, God taking you by the chin, lifting your face, and wiping your tears saying, “Child, you have suffered enough. Be free and heal.”

There is so much written on this subject. I will let others do the writing. Please check out these links:

A Redemptive Look at Three of the Most Commonly Misappropriated Scriptures on the Subject of Divorce Part I

A Redemptive Look at Three of the Most Commonly Misappropriated Scriptures on the Subject of Divorce Part II

A Redemptive Look at Three of the Most Commonly Misappropriated Scriptures on the Subject of Divorce Part III

If you have other links you think would be beneficial to others on this subject, please email me or comment, and I will review and add as I feel appropriate. 🙂

Couples Therapy and the Personality Disorder

Do you wish you could get your BPD/NPD to couples therapy? Or are you going to therapy, but finding yourself demonized and blamed for everything?

Couples therapy is the wrong tool to treat personality disorders, and the wrong tool to treat abuse. Couples therapy just becomes another weapon in the abuser’s arsenal to abuse you, and keep you under their control.

Note that in this context I use the terms for personality disorders (PDs) and abuser interchangeably and synonymous. It might have taken you a long time to realize you have been in an abusive relationship. Maybe you still aren’t there. But let me validate you here. If you are in a relationship with a BPD or NPD or heaven help you, an ASPD, you are probably being abused. A key behavior in all of these PDs is the devaluation of people; and devaluation is abuse. It matters not that the weapons of choice may not be fists, but are words, and it matters not if the abuser is female instead of male. Emotional punches are much more painful and long lasting. It’s also an insidious and potentially more destructive form of abuse because it is hard to prove, and slow to be acknowledged. Remember, having a personality disorder is no excuse for abuse. Not all abusers have PDs, but in general, BPDs/NPDs/ASPDs are abusive people. They range in severity from emotional passive aggressives to partner killers, but none are benign.

**The exception would be possibly being an inwardly focused BPD. It is possible they may only be self abusers, but since they are the exception, I will not go into that here.

Emotional abuse is the cancer of your mind and soul. As the target, it can be eating you away for a very long time where no one can see it before you even realize it is there and what it is doing to you. What you are experiencing is abuse.

Couples therapy is for couples who mostly function normally to begin with who just need more skills to become more efficient in communicating and other areas of concern for couples, not for couples with deep problems like personality disorders or abuse. Even many therapists don’t understand this. There is the old school thinking that “it takes two to tango.” It can cause you as the non PDed partner much harm, and can compromise your chances for healing if you go to a therapist that has this ideal.

Think of it this way: Couples therapy is like painting the walls or getting new carpet in an old but decent house. It can breathe new life into stale relationships, and help the average couple overcome issues achieve a new level of intimacy. But when issues like personality disorders or abuse are at stake, it’s like major plumbing issues, black mold, or a crumbling foundation. There is no sense in putting fresh paint on mold damaged walls or putting new carpet over a floor with rot. Any cosmetic changes will just distract from very real, dangerous deep issues. You must treat the deep issues and only the deep issues. Until and if the deep issues are gone, no one should attempt couples therapy. The “two to tango” idea just enables the abuser and puts unfair pressure and responsibility on the target.

Randi Kreger, author of the best selling books on BPD, says, “If they do go to counseling, they usually don’t intend to work on their own issues. In couple’s therapy, their goal is often to convince the therapist that they are being victimized.” In other words, they will not spend their time trying to get better. Their goal is usually to manipulate and hurt you, even if in the beginning they try to get you to come by saying they have things they need to work on too. They don’t really believe that. Even if they can admit once in a while in a moment of clarity they were wrong, they can’t hold onto that idea for too long. As a coping mechanism, they dissociate that as soon as possible… dump it… and everything goes back to being your fault. That is what they really believe.

Once the onslaught in therapy begins, they will generally do everything they can to turn the therapist against you and use it as a further tool of abuse. Unfortunately, because too many therapists do not adequately understand the specific nature of BPD/NPD or abuse, and because the BPD/NPD is a master in the art of manipulation, the PD often wins. The therapist tends to believe their illusions that you are the problem, and both gang up on you, making you feel like maybe you really are the problem. You live forever in self doubt and always trying to please the unpleasable. If the therapist sees through any of that, or in any way suggests they have things the PD needs to work on, the PD will declare the therapist incompetent and fire them, and blame you for turning the therapist against them.

From my experience, you need to prepared to be emotionally beaten going in and coming out. The abuse from the PD is pretty unbearable itself. They have been beating you down for so long, and your scars are already so deep. You are so beaten long before you ever make it to the therapy session. But they will add more. They are such skilled manipulators that they can fool even the experts. They have been practicing their whole lives after all. Think about this… they even get us to think it is us who were wrong and crazy even though we were there for whatever incident… How much more convincing can they be to the 3rd party who wasn’t even there? Very many therapists have little or no experience with BPD/NPD and are going to take the old school stance of couples therapy that “it takes two to tango.” That theory does NOT apply to a PD or emotional abuse. (Or abuse of any kind.) You will likely find the therapist validating them, which will make them worse, and invalidates you. Usually, the therapist starts to get wise to their game, and puts ANY pressure at all on the BPD/NPD… they will quit going. So you are caught in the inevitable catch. If your therapist is not versed in BPD/NPD or abuse, you will be unfairly ganged up on, and as bad as things are for you now, they will be worse. And if your therapist is any good, he or she will probably get fired.

In “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” by Lundy Bancroft, Bancroft, who is the world’s leading authority on abuser treatment programs, says:

Couples counseling is not designed to address one person’s chronically destructive behavior; its purpose is to help a couple improve their relationship dynamics, communicate more effectively, clarify their desires, and achieve greater closeness in a context in which both partners are behaving more or less acceptably. In a couples counseling context, your partner will be able to spend a lot of time talking about what he feels you are doing wrong, blaming his bad behavior on you, and continuing his pattern of escaping responsibility for his own actions. If he is charming and/or manipulative, he may succeed in enlisting the therapist as an ally, and the whole focus of the counseling may shift toward discussing what you need to change.” (Emphasis added.)

In Bancroft’s book, “Why Does He Do That?” Bancroft says:

Attempting to address abuse through couples therapy is like wrenching a nut the wrong way; it just gets even harder to do than it was before. Couples therapy is designed to tackle issues that are mutual. It can be effective for overcoming barriers to communication, for untangling the childhood issues that each partner brings to a relationship, or for building intimacy. But you can’t accomplish any of these goals in the context of abuse…

Couples counseling sends both the abuser and the abused the wrong message. The abuser learns that his partner is “pushing his buttons”… and that she needs to adjust her behavior to avoid getting him so upset. This is precisely what he has been claiming all along. Change in abusers comes only from the reverse process, from completely stepping out of the notion that his partner plays any role in causing his abuse of her. An abuser has to stop focusing on his feelings and his partner’s behavior, and look instead at her feelings and his behavior. Couples counseling allows him to stay stuck in the former. In fact, to some therapists, feelings are all that matters, and reality is more or less irrelevant. In this context, a therapist may turn to you and say, “But he feels abused by you too.” Unfortunately, the more an abusive man is convinced that his grievances are more or less equal to yours, the less the chance that he will ever overcome his attitudes.

The message to you in couples counseling is: “You can make your abusive partner behave better toward you by changing how you behave toward him. Such a message is, frankly, fraudulent. Abuse is not caused by bad relationship dynamics. You can’t manage your partner’s abusiveness by changing your behavior, but he wants you to think you can. He says, or leads you to believe, that “if you stop doing the things that upset me, and take better care of my needs, I will become a non abusive partner. It never materializes… If you have issues you would like to work on with a couples counselor, wait until your partner has been completely abuse free for two years. Then you might be able to work on some of the problems that are truly mutual ones.

Couples counseling can end up being a big setback for the abused woman. The more she insists that her partner’s cruelty or intimidation needs to be addressed, the more she may find the therapist looking down on her, saying, “It seems like you are determined to put all of the blame on him and are refusing to look at your part in this.” The therapist thereby inadvertently echoes the abuser’s attitude, and the woman is forced to deal with yet another context in which she has to defend herself, which is the last thing she needs. I have been involved in many cases where the therapist and the abuser ended up as sort of a tag team, and the abused woman limped away from yet another psychological assault. Most therapists in such circumstances are well intentioned but fail to understand the dynamics of abuse and allow the abuser to shape their perceptions.

If couples counseling is the only type of help your partner is willing to get–because he wants to make sure that he can blame the problem on you– you may think, Well, it’s better than not getting any counseling at all. And maybe the therapist will see the things he does and convince him to get help. But even if the therapist will see the things he does and confront him, which is uncommon, he would just say, “You turned the therapist against me.” –the same way he handles other challenges.

The proper treatment for BPD is not couples therapy, traditional therapy or anger management. These usually make them worse not better. Couples therapy becomes a tool for more abuse. Traditional therapy usually becomes a vomit session where all they will do is go on and on about how abusive you are, and all the ways you fail them. Anger management doesn’t work because they already spend too much time ruminating on their anger, and it only gets worse.

The only way a BPD could become a proper partner is to:

• First, do at least a year or two of a specifically designed program that effectively deals with BPD behaviors, which typically last in duration for 1-2 years. It very hard work and the washout rate is very high. Even then, You can’t fix BPD/NPD, At best with the worlds best treatment, if they work very hard and really want to change, they might minimize a few behaviors. Is that going to be enough to make you glad you spent your entire life waiting and hoping… and being abused?
• The second essential step they would need to take is they would need to enter an abuser (batterer) treatment program that would use the Lundy Bancroft principles as he is the world’s leading expert in that area, and his ideals are really the only ones shown to work. (NOT anger management!) Most states in the US (and almost no other countries) even have such abuser’s programs because the abuser mind set of an abuser and a target are something that we are just now starting to understand. Personality disorders have historically not been understood, and education even among mental health professionals is limited. Good, adequate batterers programs are also on average 1-2 years in length of very hard work, and the wash out rate is incredibly high. With both personality disorders and abusers. they are like life long alcoholics. The temptation is always there to slip back into old patterns because they have become hard wired that way.
• After your relationship is abuse free for two years, (this is how long it takes to make sure anything really did change) you can then go to a couples therapist who is well versed in both personality disorders and abuse. If one or the other is lacking, it won’t be the proper treatment for your situation, and can again make things worse, and cause regression in the abuser.

There has been no effective treatment proven for NPD or ASPD. No therapy has ever clinically proven as been able to shock them into having enough empathy or desire to change. And you should also know… if you are with a BPD, chances are the also have a varying degree of NPD or ASPD. The personality disorders tend to come in clusters, and if someone has BPD, their odds of having traits of the other PDs in that cluster is very high. It is the NPD and ASPD components that make BPD so resistant to treatment, because they do not believe they have a problem. If you can’t see a problem… you can’t fix it. Therefore; the higher number of those traits your BPD has, the less likely they are to ever get better.

We should all get therapy, but it needs to be personal therapy with a therapist who understand abuse and the personality disorders, and their job should help us heal and be the best we can be. Our therapy needs to be designed to help targets of abuse. NO couples therapy. The therapist you choose should in no way invested in the relationship with the PD, which means couples therapy is completely off the table. That is a conflict of interest that cannot be reconciled.

Peace and Love…

But I Love Him…

Do you ever find yourself saying, “But I love him!” (Or her.) You are unhappy with the pain they are causing, (and yes, it is abuse. See abuse defined. ) but you just can’t make the leap out of the relationship because you feel a powerful, mysterious, unquantifiable force has taken over your free will. You call this love. It feels like love. You will climb and mountain, swim any sea, and on and on. Isn’t this what love is? I am about to become pretty unpopular with die hard fans of chick flicks.

True love is not a noun. It’s a verb. It is not something that is. It is something you do.

There is this magical, crazy, against all odds, all consuming, passionate, self sacrificing thing they call love. We spend billions per year to pay Hollywood to perpetuate this ideal, and we think this is the thing that we must find to be happy. Here’s the bubble buster… in almost every case, this thing (the noun)… it’s not true love. This is a simple combination of hormones (physical chemistry) and your subconscious telling you need this person. Your subconscious can pick them for many different reasons and it’s different for each person.

The question is… Can you trust your subconscious to choose for you?

The danger in letting your subconscious mind choose your partner is that it doesn’t have the same motives you do. Sometimes it can seem like you are two entirely different beings. Your subconscious mind is where all your hurts are hidden. It has very different drives than your conscious mind, because it goes about trying to fix your inside through quite illogical ways. There is no logic in your subconscious. That’s why you can dream you are talking to a giant pickle and it doesn’t seem weird at all.. at the time. You have many issues, things you may have even forgotten about, things that hurt or confused you. Things happened in your childhood, from your family of origin, or even well into your adulthood that your subconscious is trying to run about fixing, and processing.

No one likes to be abused. No one ever chooses it on purpose. (Well… almost no one!) But if you grew up in a household where someone abused someone, your red flag system is likely not to function very well. Things that would generally warn a healthy person, “Hey this person could be dangerous! Don’t go out with him (or her) again!” often don’t get triggered. You might see things you don’t like about them, and you might be uncomfortable with something they did, but on some level, you don’t recognize how abnormal the behavior is.  You have spent so many years deadening your “this is not right” sense, just from repeated exposure. Additionally, you might have been told often by the abuser of your past,”That’s not what I said./ That’s not what I meant./ That’s not what happened! You are over reacting./ Being a drama queen/ Judging me wrong!”  These messages might have been verbal or subversively implied, but you still got the intended message; which is you can’t trust yourself.

Or you might have just developed a coping mechanism of self doubt because you didn’t want to see the person of your past that you loved as bad (because it’s too painful for a child to think their parent might be bad), so you told yourself those same things. You taught yourself not to believe your senses. You are too full of self doubt to now see these things for what they are. You question every negative thought you have about them, and you end up giving them the benefit of the doubt. When your subconscious mind sees a pattern that remind it of a past unresolved hurt (often from a parent but not always), it latches onto key personality traits or types of abuse and says, “Wait! I know this! Maybe this time I can fix it!” and wham… cupid’s arrow in your gluteus maximus! You really never had a chance. You are in love with an abuser.  BUT… your subconscious picking your partner in attempt to try to fix the childhood hurts you received from your parent or someone else in your past… not true love.

Trauma bonding is a very strange coping mechanism but it is very real. Think Stockholm Syndrome. People bond through trauma. This is natural and normal. Think of someone you went through something tough with, but you faced it together, and the bonds of your friendship became so much stronger. (At least temporarily.) Trauma creates bonds. Also, finding relief from trauma creates bonds. Think of 3 hours in the summer heat with no water. How good does it feel when you finally get a tall cold bottle of water?  How grateful are you for the person who handed it to you? Trauma bonding, in the case of abuse, has been proven over and over again. The problem is our subconscious mind doesn’t always get it right. Remember, it’s not really logical. What often happens in abuse is you have just gone on a really rough emotional ride, and when the relief comes, even if the relief is given by the same person who caused the pain,…. a bond is formed. No; not logical, but real nonetheless. The reason the cycles of abuse are so effective is because it works. Your subconscious mind looks at all the hell it has gone through, and looks at the sweet relief of the flowers and chocolates phase or great sex (or whatever that cycle looks for your relationship) and it thinks, “Look at all I have gone through with this person. What a bond! I need this person! I love this person!” BUT… trauma bonding is not true love.

Another factor at work here is cognitive dissonance. It creates quite a bit of pain and confusion to our emotional minds to think one thing and act another. Usually, to resolve the disconnect, the subconscious will come in and try to fix that by modifying our feelings. When we have been beaten emotionally, we are hurt. We may at that moment want to leave. We may or may not feel love for the person who hurt us. But we don’t leave. We stay. Often abusers turn themselves into the victims by saying things like, “You don’t see anything I do right!” (Or some other version of turning the tables, with them breaking down and acting like a kicked puppy.) Then, instead thinking about how much they just hurt us, we are launching into empathy mode, which includes things like pointing out what they do right or proclaiming our love for them. Our subconscious is then confused. How can I both love them and still put up with abuse? How can I feel I want to run away right now but I am telling them I love them? He/she hurt me, but I am protecting and nurturing them?” It doesn’t add up. Something has to change, or the state of instability in the subconscious creates too much pain. So it thinks, “I must love this person!” BUT… subconscious coping mechanisms are not true love.

True love loves a whole, real, non-idealized person. It’s the whole human being, not just the good parts. Often when we fall in love with someone, we see only what that person wants us to see. They already have made a conscious decision to deceive you. Although this is ideally a wrong behavior, most people are guilty of this on one level or another. They know what parts of them to show and what parts they should hide. You probably didn’t show up for your first date in stained sweats and no make-up or (unshaven) with no deodorant. They spent time appearing to be their best selves while hiding the real/natural parts of who they are.

Now take into account the amplifying factor of BPD. Everything with them is exaggerated to the extreme. Because of the black and white thinking, in their own mind, they must either be all good or all bad. It almost seems like they have multiple personalities after you know them for a while. They do not. Each part of the person is an integral part of the real them. They just have separated their modes in an extreme polarized fashion so that you generally only see one at a time. This is frequently referred to by people who know BPDs as “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.” It is eerie how after you have reached a level of comfort with them, and they start showing showing you Hyde, how fast they can flip from one to the other and back again. They can do that because they are both modes. There is no Jekyll without Hyde, and no Hyde without Jekyll. Because of the extremity of the behavior, you compartmentalize and try to see the good without the bad. It takes us quite a while to get our heads around this, and some of us never do. We sometimes stay forever in denial thinking if we can just do or say the right thing, or learn the BPD rules, that we can get just Jekyll. There is no way. The BPD game is rigged for you to fail. You cannot control the appearance of Hyde. It is who they are. But in the beginning, they know they can’t show you their ugly. In fact, because you are idealizing them like most normal people do in the early dating phases, they delude themselves into thinking they are Jekyll and only Jekyll. Like a mirror facing a mirror, they think their good self can last forever. They are on a high with this illusion and they “fall in love” with you. You may be everything they ever wanted in a partner, but that’s not why they love you. In fact they can barely see you at all. Really, it’s all about them. You make them feel better about themselves, and they think you can sustain this level of almost worship… forever. Finally, you are the one person who helped them change. (Not.) They may or may not verbalize this with you, but it’s what their attraction to you is really all about.

This is the half of the person you fall in love with. Your partner was funny, and charming, and kind, and all that you have been looking for. They feel good, you feel good, everyone is in a perpetual state of happiness. Until you aren’t. Something happens that reminds the BPD that Hyde is still there. Maybe it’s something you did or said, and maybe it isn’t. They suddenly fear you will see that side of them, the side that is very really a part of them, and you won’t love them anymore. And like a porcupine who perceives a threat, whether the threat is real or not, the quills go up and you get stabbed. The abuse comes out. At some point, they compartmentalize their behavior, you compartmentalize their behavior, and Mr Hyde is safely packed away into denial again. Until he’s not.

The problem with this dichotomy is that we often don’t realize how actually whole it all is. It is not two different people at all. We take on some of the BPD’s black and white thinking, and we believe them. The intermittent reinforcement is very effective at forging a trauma bond, and at causing cognitive dissonance, and at keeping us always trying to please them and take care of only their wants and needs. We never thought we could become that person who puts up with so much abuse. But we do. We do it because we think we are in love with the good parts of them. We look back and think about how very much in love we were with that person we met. Over the years, that person came about less and less, and stayed shorter and shorter periods. But if you ask us, we will say we are in love with that first person, and we stay because we just want to get that person back. We believe it is possible, because we knew them, loved them, slept with them, and shared secrets with them. But that is not the true them. That is only parts of them at best. They are every bit the dark one as they are the light one. You cannot separate the two. True love is whole and loves whole people. But…. loving just parts of people…. is not true love.

Sometimes when we are in love, we are actually in love with the potential we believe that person can be. It isn’t really so much who they are, but who we think they can become. (Usually with a little bit of our love and healing powers!) But people will either reach their potential or they won’t, and it doesn’t usually make a huge difference who is standing beside them. (Or behind pushing!) Yes, a person who is already on a path to greatness can magnify his (or her) strength in a loving, healthy relationship. But a person who wanders through life just trying to figure out who they are is not going to be able to reach their moon, no matter how much love and encouragement someone is putting behind them. Everyone’s journey is their own and no one else but them can make it. Besides, it is impossible for you to provide them with a healthy relationship. An unhealthy person cannot have a healthy relationship. Period. There is no way to hold the disease to only their end. Potential (Hope) is not a true, real part of a person. Sometimes it is more a reflection of part of us than it is part of them. Even if it is part of them, again, it’s only a part. And people are not parts. True love requires love of the whole. Loving just parts… is not true love.

There is something else that maybe you have experienced that mimics true love. Most people understand a parent/child love, and also understand that love is a different kind of love than partner love. It is different. In a healthy parent/child relationship, it is a healthy and unconditional love. You once had this love as a child, even if it went all one way. All children unconditionally love their parents… for a while. There is a point developmentally that this changes if the relationship is unhealthy. But for a time, when children are very little, they love their mommies and daddies no matter what, and they believe their mommies and daddies love them. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work that way. Not all parents love their children unconditionally. But that is a tangent for another day. For now, let’s just stay on the topic that a parent/child love is usually thought of to be unconditional in a real true love way.

Enter the BPD. The BPD frequently upsets the natural partner dynamics, and causes roles to shift from partners to parent/child roles. They flip back and forth between parent and child and back to parent again wildly, and almost never stay in the partner role. You can’t, in fact, even have a partner relationship with someone who consistently takes parent or child roles. because the roles are completely incompatible. But BPDs assume the role as parent and you as child when they wish to control your behavior/ thoughts/ feelings etc. They switch to child role and force you to be the parent when they cannot make real world decisions and deal with the consequences, or when they demand to be babied and taken care of, or when they throw tantrums to make everything all about them. You subconsciously associate parent/child love with true love. It causes love type feelings, although in a very inappropriate place. All this yet again from your subconscious mind. Yet you feel it just the same. But…feeling you need to take care of someone, save them or fix them… is not true love. Feeling you need someone to take care of you is also not true love.

True love (healthy love) is not magic and it can be chosen. It changes and evolves as you change and evolve. Sometimes it is work. It works best if you also have chemistry for the sexual spark, but it’s so much more than that. You love someone because you choose them, because they are a good choice for you and your future. It is based on a strongly formed friendship. It is a partnership between equals. You will always have times, even in the healthiest relationships, that you just aren’t feeling it. Sometimes you won’t be a fan of the person you chose. Sometimes you need to work at it, and it can be hard, but you do it anyway because you choose them and it’s right. And when you look back after 10, 20 years and you look at the person whose hand you are holding, and you know they are your best friend, and lover, and you can trust them with your heart, mind and soul… that is true love. You sacrifice in healthy ways, and they for you. You give yourself, but you don’t give up yourself. That is true love. You know that even when you have just had the worst fight, they will still have your back. They will be there for you when you are sick, even till the end. You will also do that for them. Your partner does not complete you, because you are already complete, but their presence makes your life more full and happy. They are in your life because they amplify your joy, not because you can’t find joy without them. The key is they are in your life, not they are your life. That is true love. True love is a two way street, always. You can’t have true love on one side and disease on the other. The disease knows no such imaginary lines and eats into everything else. True love is not finicky and turned off and on over the course of a few weeks or even days or hours. True love requires that you never have to prove yourself. You are already loved as your true whole, non-idealized self. You also love their whole, true non-idealized self. Not parts, and no buts. You must have it coming in to have it going out. The reciprocal nature is core. That is true love.

So why don’t we know this stuff? There is no real requirement in schools to teach mental health and relationships. There is no required formal education. I argue that there should be, but really there isn’t. Not just that, but many of these things are only now being recognized and understood in mental health. Not even all therapists get it!

We learn mental health and relationship concepts from watching our parents (sometimes) and from Hollywood. That’s right– Hollywood. We know the fairies in the fairy tales are not real, but we tend to believe the concepts and relationship dynamics are real. We believe it because we want to. And Hollywood gives us what we want because it sells. Who would watch a movie about some emotionally healthy regular couple who forges a solid friendship over the course of a year or two decides to nurture their feelings of love and get married? How boring is that? No, we want the crazy wild characters who meet and within days or weeks are overcome with an unexplainable, passionate, against all odds infatuation. Damn the whole rest of the world and everyone else in it. This is what we think we are supposed to find, and we are not complete without it. We much prefer the stories where the abusive, offensive, selfish but usually strikingly handsome bad guy suddenly melts with the right touch. The love of the right woman was all he needed!

These concepts are false. More women (and men) find themselves in abusive relationships than can be counted, because this is really what we want to believe. Truth is, reality sucks and it’s boring. Love never changes anyone. Fully grown adults can only change themselves, and even then they usually don’t. Few are even capable of self actualization on any level, and that is an amplified truth for PDs. No amount of love applied liberally heals someone whose hurts are too deep to be healed. People have to heal themselves from the inside, or they just don’t heal. They just end up injuring the person who gets close enough to try.

So do you have true love?

     So can you trust your subconscious to choose your partner for you? If you can’t explain it… if you say “I don’t know WHY I love him (or her), I just do.” Then you probably have already let it pick the wrong person. You haven’t done the self work to understand your own inner workings, which means… you probably aren’t in, or even ready for, true love.

For more on why you are pulled into this toxic relationship, I highly recommend “The Human Magent Syndrome” By Ross Rosenberg.