Staying for God

There are many targets of abuse that stay because they believe it is the right thing to do. I myself was raised in a religion that preached there are only two reasons for divorce. Chronic adultery and/or abuse. By abuse, my definition was that he had to be hitting me. (Now I know better. See abuse defined here.) I figured if God wanted me to leave, He would give me an out. I spent many, many years praying for God would soften my uASPD/NPDx‘s heart, and end the emotional beatings I was taking every day.

Oh how I prayed and prayed for that out! Many times, I was pretty sure my uASPD/NPDx husband was having an affair. But I had no proof, and because or religious convictions, I felt I needed to know for sure. I needed evidence beyond a shadow of a doubt. “Please God soften his heart. But if his heart will not be softened, and if he is having an affair, let me find the evidence that will give me the clean and clear conscience to leave.” It didn’t come, and so I stayed.

Oh how then I prayed he would just come out and hit me! He was guilty of profound neglect, and could throw emotional punches hard enough to flatten me. But he never actually physically touched me, so I thought I had to stay. I stayed way too long and allowed way too much destruction and devastation into my life, and it permanently scarred my children. “My prayer became, “Please God soften his heart. But if his heart will not be softened, and if he is having an affair, let me find the evidence. If there is no affair; his emotional punches are real. Just withdraw his inhibition so that he will make the emotional assault a physical one. I can see in his eyes he wants to badly to hit me anyway. Please, oh please let him just do it.” It never came, and so I stayed.

After our divorce, he confessed to multiple affairs that started even before our wedding day. I was right when I suspected affairs; not paranoid. But it didn’t help me get out because I didn’t find out for sure until it was too late. What finally got me out was the realization that God would never ask me to stay in that hostile, emotional cesspool of abuse. That was a requirement I demanded only of myself.

I don’t intend to debate religion here. I only wish to express my own opinions regarding the God that I have come to know. My God is above all a loving and perfect parent. He is not punitive, petty, or hateful. If there is a God who is those things. I have no desire to go to that Heaven.

This is what I have come to understand. Marriage bonds are binding… until they are broken.

Whatever your religious take, there was probably some version of “Love, honor and cherish” in those vows, and there was either a written, spoken, or implied vow that you would each treat each other with respect as divine children of a Supreme Being. The partner who did not honor the bonds of the vows by using abuse is the one who ended the marriage, not the one who had to walk out to protect themselves and/ or their children.

Emotional abuse counts every bit as physical. It is poison to the spirit, and taints the soul. A healthy spirit is of utmost importance in maintaining a connection with God. If your soul is being beaten, you cannot and will not have the energy to fulfill the role that God has for you. God made us, and He made us the way we are. We are built and programmed in such a way that we function psychologically more or less according to Maslow’s Heirarcy of Needs. If you are being abused emotionally or physically, your growth is being stunted in the areas of safety and security, way at the bottom of the pyramid. You don’t have the time or energy you need for divine purposes, which would be way at the top of the pyramid. You simply cannot progress in the context of your current environment. Abuse is the enemy to God, and essentially, no man can serve two Gods. You must either have abuse in your life, or God. The presence of one will occlude the presence of the other; to whichever degree in which it exists in your relationship. You can choose today: Which will you serve?

I liked this statement from Crosswalk.com, “If a person puts others in the family in danger, separation must occur. At that point, separation isn’t an option, it’s survival.” and then goes on to clarify, “Safety means more than physical security. Some spouses (men and women) suffer from repeated emotional beatings or live in a marriage that causes them serious spiritual vulnerability. They need to flee for protection just as strongly as those experiencing physical abuse.”

In any contract, whether the vows be legal by man, or divine by God, the one who broke the agreement is the one who broke the agreement. The one who stayed, fought and gave everything to try is not required to be held to that agreement anymore. You are set free when the other person fails to live up to their commitment. I can see in my spiritual imagination, God taking you by the chin, lifting your face, and wiping your tears saying, “Child, you have suffered enough. Be free and heal.”

There is so much written on this subject. I will let others do the writing. Please check out these links:

A Redemptive Look at Three of the Most Commonly Misappropriated Scriptures on the Subject of Divorce Part I

A Redemptive Look at Three of the Most Commonly Misappropriated Scriptures on the Subject of Divorce Part II

A Redemptive Look at Three of the Most Commonly Misappropriated Scriptures on the Subject of Divorce Part III

If you have other links you think would be beneficial to others on this subject, please email me or comment, and I will review and add as I feel appropriate. 🙂