Abbreviations and Definitions

PD: Personality Disorder. PDs are in a separate category than clinical diagnoses, which is what most people think of as mental illnesses. The tool used to diagnose mental states, the DSM, personality disorders are in Axis 2. PDs are not “familially” related to other mental illnesses such as schizophrenia or depression.They are called Personality Disorders because they are so deeply ingrained in a person that they are part of the person’s personality. If it were not part of their unique identity (or personality), it would not be termed a personality disorder. It would simply be a disorder. The “personality” part is key in understanding them. It is a disorder because it is not healthy. Their personalities are not healthy.  Read more here.

Cluster B Disorders: I write mostly about my experience with people from the Cluster B Category of Personality Disorders. This cluster tends to have co-occurring disorders. This means that if a person has one, there is a good possibility that they have two or more from the same category, or at least a predominance of one with several traits of another. These disorders are Borderline (BPD), Narcissistic (NPD), Histrionic (HPD), Antisocial (ASPD). Sometimes it is hard for therapists to draw the line where one starts and the other begins with their client. Sometimes they just might say it is a cluster B disorder. Insurance companies often demand a diagnosis, so the therapist might code it as one disorder when others are also present.

These people by diagnosis definition have problems with impulse control and emotional regulation. As such, they tend to be abusive people when in relationships. (See “Abuse: Do You Really Know What it is?“)

Experts often tiptoe around this subject, but chances are if someone is highly agitated and has poor impulse control and cannot regulate their emotions, there is a good probability they will lash out at those around them, which by most definitions translates to abuse. (At least emotional, and emotional counts! The the scars in fact can even be deeper.) People with cluster B disorders might range in severity from a passive aggressive pouter to a partner killer. None who use emotional warfare are safe, because no one can be safe in an emotionally abusive relationship. The idea that has a personality disorder can in fact be a distractor, especially to the mind of a “healing” personality type who is in love with someone with a PD. We tend to hear “disorder” and think we can heal the person. We almost mentally drop the word “personality.” It can be used to even excuse their behavior, in both the mind of the disordered, and the mind of their target. People forget… it doesn’t matter that you can say their personality is unhealthy. The fact is there is no excuse for abuse. (Any kind!)

BPD: Borderline Personality Disorder. There is nothing “Borderline” about it! Borderline is a misnomer because when it was discovered, the psychiatric thinking was that it was on the border of psychosis and neurosis, since it had elements of both. In reality, BPDs are extreme people. They have a very black and white/ everything or nothing world. They can flip between extreme levels of emotions so fast, that it can be easily mistaken for Bipolar Disorder or Dissociative Identity Disorder. (AKA Multiple Personality Disorder.) A BPD has a poor sense of self, often taking on traits of the person they are with like an personality chameleon.

I think of BPDs as emotional porcupines. If they perceive a threat, even if the threat is completely imagined in their heads, the quills come out and the person nearest them gets injured. They are obsessive about a fear of abandonment, even if they don’t even like the person they are imagining is abandoning them. Anything can be abandonment, including a simple question like “Did you make anything for dinner?”

BPDs tend to have “stormy” relationships. Again, in my opinion, experts tiptoe around the meaning of “stormy.” They are reluctant to call it abuse. However, I cannot think of one scenario that I would call “stormy” that isn’t describing at least one tactic of emotional abuse. Also, according to the DSM, BPDs often engage in devaluation, which is an abusive behavior. Devaluation is useful for them so that they can convince themselves (and you) that you are worth less than you are. That way it won’t hurt as much when you leave. This kind of emotional abuse is devastating to the target, and the target often finds they are forever trying to prove themselves.

In case you think that you can make them feel safe, and then they will stop devaluing you; you can’t. This is something that has been broken within themselves for a very long time, and you probably are not the first (or last) to try to fix it. You cannot even give them enough incentive to change themselves (by leaving or ultimatums.) If there is a key for them fixing themselves, only they and the right therapy can find it (if they are very, very self motivated and work very, very hard.) Losing their entire world is usually not enough. Why? Because in most cases, their inner demons are scarier to them then losing everything and everyone in their lives. It is that big of a deal. If not, they would have fixed themselves a long time ago. They developed their disorder because the coping mechanisms served them well: Better than facing their reality.

**I can concede there is a possibility that there could be a 100% “inwardly focused” BPD who does not abuse others, but only abuses themselves. However, after having multiple encounters with many PDs and their targets, I have yet to hear of one. Generally, because of the way BPDs enmesh themselves in relationships with partners, they often don’t see between themselves and their partners, and the abuse overflows.

Most BPDs are never diagnosed. Of those that are, most never get proper treatment. Of those that do, most drop out. Of those who work really really hard to change their personality, most only change a few behaviors. Of those that do, many regress to old ways, because the hard-wiring makes it easier. Most don’t truly form a healthy personality. Depressing odds right? A very large percentage of people with BPD also have NPD. The higher the NPD tendencies, the less likely they are to get better. There are very many programs that tout great recovery rates for BPDs. Always, always read the fine print. In most cases (all that I have read about) the standard measure of “better” is usually a decreased rate of self harm and suicidal behaviors. While that is great for them, and I wish them all the success in the world, not all of these are always present in BPDs anyway. I have yet to read any studies about BPDs who were once abusive to their partners who did the work and became a good, healthy partner.

NPD: Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Do you think you know what a narcissist is? Don’t be so sure. The NPD generally does not obsess about how beautiful they are etc. They might be full of themselves (at least on the surface), but they might not be. In fact deep down, they may feel really terrible about who they are.

NPDs have no empathy for others. The exclusion of empathy means they are not capable of true love. The key in NPD is that they cannot accept fault. This is the guardian that protects their own delicate psyches from themselves and others. Unfortunately, it also keeps them from improving. Everything is always someone else’s fault. A very large percentage of BPDs also have NPD. This is what keeps them from getting and completing treatment. After all, if they can’t admit they have a problem, there is no way they can fix it.

NPDs have a endless double standard. They will excuse their own faults, but yours disgust them. (Even if they are the same ones!) Everything is your fault. NPDs are entitled. They are allowed to treat you any way they feel fit, because you are their personal emotional punching bag and they are entitled to punish you. They are often chronic spenders because they feel their money is for their hearts desires, while the world (or you) should just provide for their needs because they breathe. (Spending money on an I-Phone or vacation and expect someone else to pay their rent.) They are often pathological liars. Usually they are cheaters. They are abusive, either physically, emotionally, or financially. Or all of the above! NPD defies any sort of therapy. NPDs don’t believe they have any problems that are their fault. Everything is everyone else’s fault. They have no desire to change who they are. If they find themselves in therapy it is usually because they were compelled to go, or they intend to use therapy to convince you how sick you are, so they can further manipulate you.

ASPD: Antisocial Personality Disorder. (Aka Sociopath) An ASPD seems to never have developed a of conscience. They can do whatever they want to whomever they want because they want. If they don’t do something they want to do, it is because they don’t want to deal with the punishment, not because they want to do the right thing. They have no ability to truly love or connect with anyone. No one knows for sure how this happens. Sometimes they had extremely abusive parents. Sometimes they came from normal families with mommies and daddies who loved them. Despite the media image, not all ASPDs are killers. (Though some are!) Some just have no affinity for blood. Sometimes it’s just mental games that are their passion. There is no real effective treatment for ASPD– at least once in adulthood. They see nothing wrong with their way of being in the world. They think we are the broken ones. They think we are silly for limiting ourselves in “weak” ways with things like love and compassion. Some need people but not for love and in the ways we initially believe. They need them to use them and are only in pain when they can no longer use you. They will abuse you because they need to use you. All people are meant to be used, they believe. They don’t believe anyone is innocent. They can and do fake love, but it is either meant to manipulate you, or to fake it because they desire to keep up appearances in order to keep themselves from being discovered. As of yet, no proven effective therapeutic way to get these people to learn empathy for anyone has been developed.

HPD: Histrionic Personality Disorder. This is the drama queen. (Male or female!) They love to be the center of attention, and their emotions are all over the place… but always extreme. They make the slightest thing into a tsunami. This personality disorder doesn’t have an inherent abuse component that I can think of, other than that it often accompanies BPD. I won’t address this much because I don’t have much experience with someone who is strictly HPD. The bulk of my experience with this as a 1-2 punch with BPDs.

u: (Used before the appropriate PD, like uBPD) undiagnosed. Most PDs go undiagnosed. While you shouldn’t really diagnose someone (therapists hate it when we do that), sometimes we are the only ones close enough to our PDed partners to see how they really are. Most PDs will lie in therapy, and hide who they are. They aren’t dummies. They know to not let all their crazy out in front of “the wrong person.” There are mutitudes of other reasons why a PD is missed that I won’t go into for now, but most of us couldn’t drag our partners in to a therapist if we clubbed them over the head anyway. If they do go to therapy it will be monopolized and used to blow up our own faults and use the therapist as an additional weapon of control against us. With these types of PDs, sometimes the only one who can see it is the one who is taking all the hits. Us! I say, if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck and quacks like a duck, you don’t have to drag it to an ornithologist to be told it’s a duck. If they meet enough of the criteria that you can recognize a pattern, then buyer beware. Don’t subject yourself to any more abuse either way!

The only time I have ever seen anyone be wrong when they are wondering if their spouse has a PD, is when they themselves is a PD. Especially those with BPD tend to project their doing and thoughts etc onto their partners, so they often think they see their partner doing exactly what they and only they do! Are you thinking, “OMG– could I be the one with BPD?” Well if you had that thought, you probably aren’t. BPDs rarely look at themselves because the NPD guard doesn’t allow it. However, people in relationships with PDs often do question themselves. This also can be exploited in you by the PDs. This is a trait PDs have on their top 10 wish lists for a partner. That way they can dish out the guilt and the crazy, and twist it so that even you think it could have been you. You might take this abuse (called gas lighting) for years! However, these traits are a good thing because it keeps you growing spiritually and emotionally, and helps you be fair in relationships. You have the ability to reach self actualization.

h, w, bf, or gf: husband,  wife, boyfriend or girlfriend respectively. Usually after the appropriate PD. (Such as uBPDh= undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder.)

 

C-PTSD: Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Read more here. This is a specific kind of PTSD that develops in targets of abuse. The VA department states that “the current PTSD diagnosis often does not fully capture the severe psychological harm that occurs with prolonged, repeated trauma. People who experience chronic trauma often report additional symptoms alongside formal PTSD symptoms, such as changes in their self-concept and the way they adapt to stressful events.” It is important to note that in even most cases, the abuse that caused this type of PTSD was not usually physical. As far as our subconscious minds are concerned, there is no difference to physical trauma or emotional trauma. Your mind and the physical reaction inside your body on a chemical level are the same. Even if the abuse is covert, or passive aggressive, the cumulative effect is mentally virtually identical and results in the damage of C-PTSD.